With less than seven shopping days left, if you haven’t purchased my Christmas presents yet then we are officially broken up. To help you out, I’ve compiled a list of only the absolutely necessary items for me to continue life in the coming year, so get out your credit cards and start charging like Serena Williams at a sausage smorgasbord.

- Lego Ray Allen – doesn’t officially go up for auction until January, but it won’t hurt to get some preliminary bids in there. I don’t even care if several of you pool your money together, JUST GET IT.

- Kelly Kapowski T-Shirt – I asked for this before, but I figured I’d reiterate the fact that if I don’t get it, I will throw a temper tantrum and then kill all of your first-borns.

- Napoleon Dynamite DVD – in fact, don’t worry about it. I can’t wait till Christmas, I’m buying it at midnight when it comes out on the 21^st.

- LotR Pinball Machine – I need this or I will contract AIDS and die. You don’t want me to contract AIDS and die, do you? Don’t answer that.

- Playboy Pinball Machine – maybe this one will balance out my geekyness. However, there’s a good chance I actually COULD contract AIDS and die just from touching this machine. Maybe it’s just the way I play pinball, but doesn’t everyone use their naked penis as a lever? Just Checking.

- Japanese Lap Pillow – I’m lonely. (Thanks for the idea, Szozda. Now if you don’t get it for me then you’re going to get to know the back of my hand really well.

- Mighty Ducks 4 Tickets – not yet released, but I’m sure you could procure some passes to the premiere already, so do it or I’ll give you a knucklepuck to the temple.

and now for the granddaddy…

- Henry Rowengartner Jersey – I came up with this idea one night while I was lying in bed thinking about funky buttlovin. Thank God for customizable jerseys.

- Henry Rowengartner T-Shirt – If you’re too poor or too cheap or if you only mildly enjoy my company, get this one. Actually get both, I’ll use the T as an undershirt for my totally kickass jersey.

There you have it. Pretty modest if you ask me. All I’m asking for are the comforts that no red-blooded pre-man should ever live without. If I don’t’ have every one of these in my possession by the end of the month, then my New Year’s Resolution will be to find you and introduce you to my friend, Mr. Cleveland Steamer. Thank you.

I don’t watch much TV anymore outside of ESPN and Seinfeld reruns, and one day I got to thinking why exactly that is. I realized the reason I don’t like non-sports television programming anymore is because it stinks worse than the business end of a Ben Affleck sex toy.

So, after months of research and countless hours of intense introspection, I came up with a list of the top five television characters of all time. This list only pertains to sitcoms that I’ve actually seen, so sorry cast of Sex & the City, your alleged witty/edgy sexiness is out of luck.

Keep in mind I have not seen a new sitcom/TV show since high school, therefore any show premiering after 2000 is not eligible. Also, reality TV characters are excluded, because reality television is just code for fake creativity.

If you don’t agree with me it’s probably either because you’re retarded or you’re female, and in most cases, both. On to the list…

1) George Costanza – by FAR the best character on by FAR the best sitcom ever created. End of discussion.

2) Kelly Kapowski – not even the love of my life can overtake Costanza, which either says a lot about how much I like Seinfeld, or says a lot about my homosexual preferences for short balding men.

3) Cosmo Kramer – Kelly Kapowski sandwiched between Kramer and Costanza? Hmm… I’d watch it.

4) Kevin Arnold – the kid was in high school and looked like a 5^th grader, but somehow was able to score all kinds of tail WAY out of his league.

5) Arthur Fonzarelli – definition of cool, at least that’s what my mom tells me. Today, though, he would probably get beat up daily by those pretentious bastards from Laguna Beach High.

Honorable Mention: Homer J. Simpson (he would have made the list if the last four seasons of The Simpsons never existed); Comic Book Guy (same as above); Lt. Columbo; Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote (purely on looks); ALF; the little girl from Small Wonder; Webster; Mr. Garrison/Mr. Slave.

While checking the stats for this humble site, sometimes I find some interesting referrals. Because of my title quote “I French Kissed Kelly Kapowski” (which, by the way, is 100% true), it seems this blog is a new destination for perverts everywhere google-searching for “Kelly Kapowski nude.” One sick son-of-a-bitch even searched for “Kelly Kapowski bukakke.” Just kidding, but not really.

In order to appease all you freaks out there, I did a little investigatory work and found quite a gem. I’m not sure where this is from (possibly when Kelly went to Paris to do some modeling after the “Swimsuit Calendar” episode), but apparently she DID do a little topless work (and I’m not talking about Tiffani Thiessen’s see-through-shirt pics that came out in the 90210 days - not that I’ve ever seen them or even know what a woman’s breasts look like, MOM).

So being the philanthropist that I am, I put a link up for you dirty deviants to get your jollies to. Merry Christmas.

On a completely different note, it looks like my reasons to like Ohio State football have increased from zero to one. High school linebacker James Laurinaitis just signed a letter of intent to play for the Bucks next year. Who is he, you ask? None other than the son of Joe Laurinaitis, better known as ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL from the Legion of Doom. Scouts say James impressed them by continuously delivering devastating clotheslines to QB’s everywhere.

OHHHH WHAT A RUSHHHHHHHHH. R.I.P. Hawk.

I was going to start a car dealership near Washington, D.C., but after seeing the competition's advertising, I decided I’d be better off sticking to selling bootleg copies of Sega CD games. These guys have a monopoly on the ridiculous raps by local celebrities market.

Does anyone else feel awkward when they buy Prego spaghetti sauce? The name in itself is bad enough, suggesting that buyers have a thing for those-with-child. What’s worse, its motto/tagline or what-have-you is “Share what’s inside.” Taken in the wrong context (and I don’t know in what other context to take it), that is just sick. From now on I’m sticking to Paul Newman’s Own Special Sauce, there’s absolutely no possible gross meaning to be derived from that.

All of my friends and family will be receiving Esteban signature guitars for Christmas this year. You know, the guy that’s been on the shopping channel 24/7 for the past 3 weeks? Don’t let his Spanish-style name and guitar lickings fool you, he’s from Pittsburgh. That’s Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, not Pittsburgh Portugal, to clear that up. Phony.

CBS announced that Craig Ferguson (Mr. Wick from Drew Carey) will be taking over as permanent host for the Late Late Show, replacing Craig Kilborn. Apparently they didn’t think their audience could handle their host switching names, sticking with the Craig motif. They sure dropped the ball though, I hear Craig T. Nelson is available. Whiff.

The girl filling in for Craiggers tonight has a MASSIVE rack. Pretty hot for a redhead, too.

New Tool

Oprah, call me.

This installment of Movie Preview Reviews highlights the only two previews that I can remember from a movie that I just saw last night. Whichever other previews were shown must have been fantastically crapular for me to forget them 10 hours later. On with the reviews…

(Again, for those of you who didn’t catch the first installment of Movie Preview Reviews, Vol. 1, previews are ranked from 0-10 on Entertainment Value (EV), Production Value (PV), and Did It Make Me Want To Watch The Full Length Film (DIMMWTWTFLF).

Batman Begins – This preview begins by acting like it’s a weird “Van Helsing” type preview, complete w/ creepy looking guy and weird scenery. Creepy Looking Guy apparently turns out to be Batman, and the rest of the preview highlights him learning to be Batman, which is confusing because I always thought Batman was just a really rich guy in a cool costume with cool gadgets driving a cool car. Not sure where I stand on this one yet, as the actual movie doesn’t come out till next summer. EV-2, PV-5, DIMMWTWTFLF-4

Constantine – “Whoa, cold!” These are the first two words in the preview, spoken ever so eloquently by the very versatile Keanu Reeves. Only Keanu Reeves can pull off a line like this in his ever-so-poignant way. The rest of the preview has something to do with the battle between God and demons, interlaced with horrible special effects and ridiculous action scenes. This may be the worst movie preview I’ve ever seen. Keanu Reeves sucks. EV-0, PV-0, DIMMWTWTFLF-0

Don’t forget that “3: The Dale Earnhardt Story” premieres tonight @ 9:00 on ESPN, immediately following Heisman trophy presentation that I don’t really care about this year. Play the “3” Drinking Game, but first tell your parents that you love them and then send out your funeral invitations, because it will be a bumpy ride.

In honor of Dale’s movie premiering on ESPN on Saturday, I came up with some Top 3 lists of things that have stuck in my mind so far this week.

Top 3 Sports Things

1 – Bengals score 24 in 4^th quarter in Baltimore

2 – Sonics move to 16-3 after my BOY Ray Allen lights up Spurs

3 – Jimmy V. Classic – always like seeing that video of him @ the ESPY’s in ‘94

Top 3 Movies

1 – Eurotrip (for the 25^th time) If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s worth it.

2 – Adaptation (for the 1^st time) Actually a decent Nick Cage movie? Wow. I can’t believe I just said that.

3 – I only saw 2 movies this week.

Top 3 Board Games

1 – Daytona 500 (circa 1990) Amazingly obscure, amazingly fun.

2 – Monopoly (I can’t lose)

3 – Trivial Pursuit (I dominate that too)

Top 3 Songs on my iPod

1 – NBA on NBC Theme – John Tesh (can’t even describe how much this rules)

2 – Big Booty Hoes – 2 Live Crew (still great after 72 years)

3 – Scotty Doesn’t Know – Lustra (from Eurotrip, great moment in movie history)

Definitely NOT on my iPod (yet)

Slo Mo – Rappin Retard: Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT Ron Artest. This cannot be real, though. Either way, I’m pretty sure whoever produced this album is going straight to hell.

I added a new feature: the Word of the Day. Check it out and get some culture.

I’ve been pumped ever since I heard ESPN was making a movie highlighting the life and times of Dale Earnhardt, and Saturday night my dreams will be realized. “3: The Dale Earnhardt Story,” starring Barry Pepper (who seems to like sports movies with numbers for titles – he played Roger Maris in 61*) as “The Intimidator”, will debut Saturday night @ 9:00.

Now, I don’t consider myself a NASCAR fan by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason Dale has always held a special place in my heart, whether it be the black car, killer moustache or sexy accent. As a tribute to Dale and to help cope with what will probably be an absolutely horrible movie (based on ESPN’s previous movie ventures about Bobby Knight and Pete Rose, I’ve devised a “ 3” drinking game for your enjoyment/intoxication.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your Binge-ines...

1 drink every time you see a moustache

1 drink every time you hear tough guy talk

1 drink every time you see aviator sunglasses

1 drink every time you see a flag, 2 if it’s American, 4 if it’s Confederate

1 drink every time you hear the word “daddy”

1 drink every time you see someone wearing a wife-beater

1 drink every time cars bump each other

1 drink every time someone calls Dale “The Intimidator”

2 drinks every time you hear “gentlemen, start your engines”

2 drinks every time you see an ESPN plug/reference

3 drinks every time Dale wins a race

3 drinks if you see a “3 w/ halo & wings” car sticker

5 drinks if you see a bumper sticker saying “I’m not tailgating, I’m drafting”

5 drinks if Dick Trickle is ever mentioned

Finish the beer when Dale “makes his final pit stop”

Feel free to pick and choose and add your own as you feel led. You might as well just line up your coffins next to the couch because I have a feeling that the moustache one will do a lot of people in within the first five minutes. Also, if you’ve got nothing better to do on Saturday, come down to Athens and join us in the tribute to the man, the myth, the legend, THE INTIMIDATOR.

Too busy/lazy to do a real post today, but I've got a few random thoughts and a new Tool of the Week for you to chew on.

1 - The Bengals are really freaking good, or at least they were for 1 quarter yesterday. WHO-DEY!

2- Chad Johnson is my favorite football player of all time. Watch Chad's Corner, then add it to your bookmarks, then light your crotch on fire for not seeing last weeks episode, which was amazing.

3- Linda Cohn is hot, I don't care what you say

4- Laguna Beach sucks, but I will definitely be watching the finale tomorrow night and questioning my sexuality/sperm count. (I love high school girls)

5- "3: The Dale Earnhardt Story" premiers Saturday, where will you be? (more to come on that soon)

Some baseball players are in trouble, and it has nothing to do with steroids. Read my latest post on NBNF to find out why.

Over the past few weeks I’ve seen a couple of moving-picture shows at the local super/mega/Cineplex, and although enjoyable in-and-of themselves, sometimes I find the previews just as entertaining. I could give you my feelings on the feature films, but it’s been done already. Although I could probably give you a better review than Roger Ebert by sticking a couple thumbs in Uranus, I’ll hold off on that – for now.

What I’ll do now and anytime I see a new movie will be to give you a review of the previews I see. Now, don’t interpret these reviews as promoting or bashing the actual full-length film, I’m simply giving my thoughts on the preview in its own context.

My rating system will consist of three parts, each on a 10 point scale. The categories are as follows: 1) Entertainment Value (EV) – this is strictly the overall enjoyment derived from the preview. 2) Production Value (PV) – this is the quality of camera shots, cutscenes, and other things they put in previews that I can’t think of. 3) Does It Make Me Want To Watch The Full Length Film (DIMMWTWTFLF) pretty much self-explanatory here.

Let’s Begin

Meet the Fockers – The follow-up to the hilarious Meet the Parents preview seems to fall flat on its volleyball-spiked face. While Meet the Parents’ preview featured hilarious hi’jinks from cat-painting to altar-burning, the new preview just seems to rub audiences’ faces in the fact that Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman are in the movie. The idea of meeting the Fockers is a good one, and the actual movie may be good, but this reporter was not impressed with the preview. At least it’s good to see Ben Stiller’s out working again after seemingly weeks without releasing a new movie. I was getting worried about him. EV-2, PV-2, DIMMWTWTFLF-3

Hide & Seek – Another DeNiro movie. This time he’s the dad of some FREAK little girl who has an “imaginary” friend that goes around killing people. I must say this is one of the scariest previews I’ve seen in a while. Little girls that are supposed to be sweet and cute who are actually horribly evil scare the bejeezes out of me. Also, Elizabeth Shue is in this movie, which is nice. EV-6, PV-6, DIMMWTWTFLF-0 (if I’m not in the mood for a scary movie) & 10 (if I am)

Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Something – This preview looks a lot like the ones from Episodes I & II that made geeks (myself included) foam at the mouth for a new Star Wars, only to have their orthodontic headgear mangled in a screaming fit because of the suckyness of the real movies. I’ll reserve judgment on this one until the next 500 trailers come out and I can order an official Darth Vader chalupa from Taco Bell. No sense in getting anyone’s hopes up when they most likely will get dashed. EV-3, PV-7, DIMMWTWTFLF-5 (even though I know that I’ll be at the midnight showing on release-day anyway)

And finally, the new Winnie the Pooh movie - something about a Heffalump I do believe. This preview instantly grabs its audience with the curiously-selected but wholeheartily-accepted background music – Two Princes by the Spin Doctors. If the movie is half as good as the soundtrack, the boys at Disney had better be preparing their Oscar speeches right now. I can’t figure out why they picked that song ten years after its prime for a movie intended for people not alive when it came out, but I like it. EV-9, PV-8, DIMMWTWTFLF-9 (but I probably still won’t see it because I’ll be too busy trying to hide my same-sex preference)

Well, it’s over now. After the most amazing run in game-show history, spanning 75 shows, $2.5 million, and a whole lot of smart people’s dignity down the tubes, Ken Jennings has finally lost in Jeopardy - to a GIRL. This is more of a victory for women's rights than the 19th amendment and Mia Hamm combined.

We all knew it would happen (because it got leaked like 2 months ago) but something inside us just wanted him to keep on winning. This run has totally eclipsed the previous game-show feat that used to impress me – the “Press Your Luck” scandal, where a guy memorized the pattern of the grid and won crazy money back in ‘84. If you haven’t heard about this, it’s worth a read.

What’s even better was the special documentary that the Game Show Network aired last year entitled “Big Bucks,” so if you’re surfing around and it’s on, watch it. When they referred to the guy’s death as “The Ultimate Whammy,” I about lost it. Absolutely genius.

Anyway, back to Ken. The man is now a cultural icon. Everyone knows who he is, unless they are busy watching Entertainment Tonight – which makes them idiots, or not watching because they don’t own a TV – which makes them either poor or Amish. But besides those selected few, everyone knows who he is, which is sad because in 5-10 years we'll forget this guy ever existed. Unless he becomes the new Unabomber or even better, poses for Playgirl - in which case I'll be first in line.

Everyone gets 15 minutes, but this guy made $2.5 million with his - that's the definition of efficient - which puts him in third in $/15 minutes, behind only Bill Gates and Oprah.

Because Ken got everything right, Alex wasn’t able to put in his arrogant little smug comments after giving the right answer as much, which was nice. However, Ken was not able to get rid of the most horribly awkward and pointless part of any show in the history of television – the “meet the contestants” part of Jeopardy.

Someone please explain to me why a lady telling us that her cat takes a shower with her every night and likes to eat prime rib is interesting and worth interrupting quality Jeopardy answer and question time. If I wanted to hear a boring story or a joke with no punchline from a complete dork, I’d watch Last Call w/ Carson Daly.

ESPN Page 3 has a good article about Ken. Read it, douche.