March 31, 2005

Retiring. From life.

Well, it’s Spring Quarter of my senior year. This means two things: 1) I’m almost graduated. & 2) This is the time of year in Ohio that girls start to reveal much of their previously winter-covered anatomy, causing me to stare at them longingly and creepily from afar, wondering what kind of panties they might be wearing.

Nevertheless, my focus on pretty much everything in life goes from about 5% to negative 100 billion %. At any given point in the day there’s a good chance you can find me drinking, eating various grilled meats, running the streetball scene, and watching TV… all at the same time.

Therefore, typing blog entries is not exactly on my short list of things to do for the day. However, I decided to make an unconscious commitment to update this thing almost every time it’s raining outside, there’s nothing good on TV, the Yankees aren’t playing, I’m not too drunk, or if somehow every attractive female on the planet suddenly goes extinct. Hey, you never know.

I don’t want to say that I’ve ran out of good ideas, because to run out is to say that I’ve had any at all to begin with. I’m thinking 1-2 posts per week on the main page and the Sports Blog will probably become standard, and at least 75% of them will involve Saved by the Bell or underage females… ahem… of-age females. A pre-emptive apology to anyone who isn’t a Kelly Kapowski fan. p.s. – If you don’t think Rod was the cooler Belding brother, you are a dork.

Alright, well, Penelope Cruz just came on Letterman, so I’m going to make like a machete and whack off. I mean, make like a tree and scram. I mean, shut up. Later.

March 28, 2005

Review: My Spring Break

Robertcat’s Fun-Tastic Spring Break Spectacular Blowout Bash began with a mini-trip to Nashville to watch the Ohio Bobcats in NCAA 1st round action. After coming back from a 20-point deficit in the 2nd half, they lost it in the waning seconds due to a David Lee airball that gave way to an offensive rebound, putback, and one. Then the Bobcats forgot to take a shot in their last two possessions and consequently, went home.

Never fear though, I killed 18 hobos (one for each of Matt Walsh’s brain cells) on my way out of town, so I’d give the slight edge to the robertcat in the weekend series.

The rest of the week was spent in sunny (42 degrees + monsoon-like rainfall) Greenville, Ohio where I watched the shiznit out of my parents’ 12 HBO channels. I’ve now seen Along Came Polly eight times. Which is eight more than I should admit to anyone ever.

When I wasn’t watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" reruns or the March Madness insanity (you can read my thoughts about it in the Sports Blog), I was owning the Darke Co. streetball scene with a bevy of behind the back dishes and busting raindrops from 25-feet. I’ve now achieved legend status @ the park, now known to most as Triple Mocha Latte. Never mind that the kids I played against were 9&10 year olds. And semi-retarded.

Alright, this is a worthless post and "Airline" just came on TV, so I’m going to stop typing. Now.

March 17, 2005

Spring Break!!! Or Something.

While most collegiate types have been and will be heading to exotic locations for their spring breaks, Robertcat will have none of it. Why? Because I don’t want to. And because my mom won’t let me because she’s afraid I’ll go on a week-long crystal-meth bender. Actually, it’s because I’m poor and I miss my dog.

Anyway, while all you lucky richy rich’s out there will be having fun in the sun, I’ll be mixing it up in rural Ohio doing crazy things that you can’t even comprehend. Like watching HBO and Skinemax, if I’m lucky. It’ll probably be more like a whole lot of “Full House” reruns and the occasional Disney DVD. I’m a sucker for Aladdin.

Truthfully, I will be doing something fun/cool as I’ll be catching the first round of the NCAA tournament in Nashville, TN on Friday to see by Bobcats pull off the certain upset of the Florida Gay-tors. Put a stamp on that one.

If any of you live in Nashville, hit me up so me and my buddy can have a place to stay for free. We’re cheap. And fairly open to suggestion.

Aside from that, don’t expect much in the way of updates for the next week or so, except maybe in my Sports Blog. I might put up a few photos of my killer spring break, but probably not. Actually, definitely not.

So, if you wanna join me to work on our tans at North Park, meet me @ the volleyball court (the only place with sand in G-Ville) at high noon on Monday. If you want to help me eat my mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies, FORGET ABOUT IT. They’re all mine. If you want to get schooled, hoops style, give me call. If you want to hold hands while watching a chick-flick, I’m open to that too.

Come to think of it, I’ll be watching basketball for pretty much the whole break. Don’t bother me. TTFN.

March 15, 2005

Review: Finals Week

Finals week is pretty much my favorite week of the quarter. Why? Because, at most, my school-related time commitment is about two hours for the entire week. Outside of taking the actual tests, I spend about 36 seconds thinking about them and even then I’m only trying to figure out when and where they are and if my lucky blue #1 “Rainbow Brite” pencil is legal.

The only cramming I take part in is when I’m stuffing my face full of junk food and the only stress in my life is what my liver and other vital organs have to endure in the week-long gluttony/binge/sloth/lust-fest.

This week is especially perfect because while everyone else is memorizing the important concepts surrounding the Bratislavan Reformation, I’m breaking down every single team in the Field of Sixty-Five and preparing myself for my upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. Did you know that Craig A. Wilson hits .336 against left-handed middle-relievers in night games following a 10-day road trip?

In honor of all you poor saps that think anyone in the real world actually gives a flying Foucault what your college GPA was, I thought I’d come up with a little final exam of my own…

Get out your #2 pencils, but remember, C’s get Degrees.

1) When staying up studying till 2 a.m., you like to keep yourself alert by:

a. – drinking coffee .

b. – drinking energy drinks.

c. – listening to upbeat music.

d. – watching the neighbor girl use her boobies as stress relievers.

2) When you don’t know an answer to a question, you:

a. – guess.

b. – leave it blank.

c. – copy off a neighbor.

d. – ask Jeeves.

3) When it comes to exam types, you prefer:

a. – essay tests.

b. – multiple choice tests.

c. – true/false tests.

d. – mammograms.

4) When filling out teacher evaluations, you:

a. – try to be as constructive as possible.

b. – give good reviews in hopes of increasing your grade.

c. – rip your professor because he is about to fail you.

d. – tell the T.A. that you “like the swing on her back porch.”

5) During the week, you spend most of your time in:

a. – the library.

b. – the coffee shop.

c. – the classroom.

d. – rehab.

Answer Key:

If you answered anything other than “d” for any of the above questions, you are a nerd. Congratulations, overachiever. Your hard work will be rewarded sometime, I’m sure. I’m sure Bill Gates got 4.0’s throughout his whole college career too. Oh, what was that? He dropped out? That’s right. HAHAHAHAHA.

March 14, 2005

This is WAY better than the prom.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 will go down as honestly one of the best days of my life. That may sound sad, but I don’t care. My Ohio Bobcats won the MAC Championship and I was there to see it. I can definitely say that I’ve never witnessed a more exciting sporting event ever. Except maybe the time I sank the game-winning free throws in the 6th-grade YMCA Championship game with no time left on the clock. Ice water in my veins.

The best part about it, besides the fact that it’s the first time OU has won the MAC or gone to the Big Dance since ’94, is how we did it. Avenging a loss to Kent State earlier in the tournament, followed by un-popping the collars of our hated rival Miami, and finally beating Buffalo for the third time this year to take home the title. With a tip in at the buzzer. In overtime. After being down 19 points in the second half. With two freshman starters who combined for 50 points. After being projected last in the MAC in the preseason by every single coach.

Listen to the Radio Call of the final seconds...

Watch the Post-game Celebration


The atmosphere @ Gund Arena was insane. There were buttloads of OU people all over, and after we won, the court was stormed faster than the buffet line at a Majerus family Christmas. I even stiff-armed an usher chick Heisman-style when she tried to get in my way.

After the game we went to the designated OU bar in Cleveland where I got an Ohio MILF to pay for my beer. Clutch.

Now the ‘Cats are off to Nashville to take on 4th seeded Florida, my #1 least favorite basketball team of all-time. I’ve got us going through to the Sweet 16. So should you, if you have any rocks in your sack.

To put the magnitude of this feat in perspective, here’s a scenario that I put together in my head. If, somehow, the New York Yankees (who I love more than most things in this world) made it to the NCAA tournament and got matched up against OU, I’d be rooting for the Bobcats. However, I understand that this makes no sense and the likelihood of this happening is at best four-to-one.

Here’s another one. Say, somehow the Bobcats played a teamfull of Kelly Kapowskis for the MAC title, and I could either have the Bobcats win or have sex with all the Kelly Kapowskis at the same time. I’d take the Bobcats win. I understand that this also makes no sense and maybe makes a case for my homosexuality.

The Top-5 Sports Moments of my Life (that I can remember):

1) Ohio Bobcats win MAC

2) 2003 ALCS, Game 7 “Aaron Boone”

3) 1996 World Series (first Yankee title of my life)

4) 1990 World Series (Reds sweep steroid-laced A’s)

5) 1999 NCAA Basketball Championship (UConn & Khalid El-Amin “shock the world”)

p.s. - This was the first time in a while that I couldn't spend the majority of my day watching hoops, so I blogged like a wild man. Check out all the new stuff.

Sports Blog - Breakdown of the Syracuse Regional
Tool of the Week - Jeremy Giambi
Word of the Day

March 11, 2005

Gabbo is coming. Get ready.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately. Well, not “thinking” per se, but I did realize something about my life: I watch, talk, play, and think (and a lot of other verbs that probably would be weird if I mentioned them) sports all the time. I mean ALL the time. Seriously, in my 10 hours that I’m awake per day, I spend 11 of them in sports-related endeavors.

However, when I look at this blog, there is nowhere near as much sports content as there should be, considering that whole paragraph that I just wrote. This is why I’ve decided to open up a new page - creatively entitled Robertcat’s Sports Blog.

This is the perfect time to get this thing started, as it is arguably the best 3-week sporting period of the year. Think about it: College Hoops Conference Tournaments, followed by the Big Dance, which leads perfectly into Opening Day for my first and true love, Major League Baseball. And this year, absolutely no hockey whatsoever.

I don’t know exactly where I’m going to go with it yet, but I can guarantee that I’ll have a lot of fun with it, even though it will likely only interest like eight people that come here regularly. I don’t care. You don’t have to click the link if you don’t want to, but you’ll probably be missing out on my best not-even-close-to-credible journalistic efforts.

There’s nothing there now but a sextacular boner-inducing photo of baseball legend Kirby Puckett, but the official launch will be Sunday night following the NCAA Selection Special (for the women’s tournament, DUH) when I’ll review each of the regions and give my picks and comments, along with a bunch of other really cool stuff that I don’t even know about.

Until then, you can enter the Official Robertcat NCAA Tournament Challenge @ It’s free to get in, so just sign up, join the group, fill out your bracket on Sunday night, and prepare to get embarrassed by yours truly. I’ll buy the winner something cool like a t-shirt of their choice or maybe give them a 1-minute shopping spree in my bedroom or whatever. I can also be talked into some pretty off-the-wall sexual favors fairly easily too. It probably won't matter though, cause I end up winning it every year. Good luck.

I’m not going to abandon the other parts of the site, so all three of you that are fans of my Word of the Day and Tool of the Week need not be afraid. I promise to continue my strive toward mediocrity in everything I do. Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy the new content and hope to see you Sunday night. Until then, rock over London, rock on Chicago – Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions.

March 10, 2005

Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris

The man, the myth, the legend, Chuck Norris is 65 today. SIXTY-FIVE!!!

His real name is Carlos Ray Norris Jr., which is FAR less intimidating and slightly more humorous. He’s like a millionth degree blackbelt in like 36 different martial arts, and has even taught legends such as Steve McQueen, Priscilla Pressley, and the Osmonds. The Osmonds took karate lessons - that’s funny.

From “His father Ray was killed in a car accident, shortly after cancer surgery. Part of Ray's throat and chin were removed; a tube was inserted in his trachea to help him breathe. Ray was thrown out of his car in the wreck, and the tube came out. Ray suffocated on the ground because no one at the accident site was aware of the tube.” Wow. That sucks to the max. No wonder he walks around beating every ass that he sees.

Ironically, one of Chuck’s sons is a professional stock car driver.

Proving that his sperm were just as powerful as his iron fists and scissorkicks, he fathered twins in 2001, at the age of 61. I’ll be lucky if my “twins” are even still attached at 61. Good grief.

Performed flawlessly in his cameo in Dodgeball, giving the thumbs-up like no other American martial-arts action hero could.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.”

- Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Links: – “Hi this is Chuck Norris, and would like to personally welcome you to my official website.”

Conan & Walker, Texas Ranger – Ass-kickingly hilarious clips (found on GorillaMask).

Chuck’s KickStart Foundation – “Teaching martial arts in schools to high-risk kids.” Sounds like a great idea. Teach future-convicts how to use their arms and legs as lethal weapons. I think he’s just trying to train more bad guys to fight now that “Walker” is off the air.

Fuckin’ Chuck Norris…

March 09, 2005

Girls are Attractive, not Funny.

I’ve been saying it for a while, and it’s true. I don’t care what you say, I will never find women as funny as men, it’s just not in the cards. Kinda like math. Be honest though, girls. Given the choice, you'd pick being hot over being funny every single day of your physically-self-conscious lives. And I just want you each to know that every single one of you are beautiful. Just some of you are sligtly more beautiful than others.

My biggest problem is with the ones that try to be stand-up “comediennes.” They are the worst. Every one of them has three subjects that they talk about: their vagina, what it’s like to have a vagina, and what it’s like to not have a penis. None of these apply to me in any way, or at least won’t apply to me in any way after my surgery on the 19th of this month.

Don’t get me wrong, there are girls that I know that I consider “clever” and “fun to be around.” Believe it or not, I have a lot of girl friends who I can laugh and have fun with without looking at their chest every five seconds. With them, it’s more like ten. Anyway, these things - although cool - do not make them genuinely 100% funny.

Think about it - when was the last time you genuinely laughed uncontrollably at something that a girl said or did, trying to be funny? I can’t name one. I’ve smiled, even chuckled, but never have died laughing like when I watch anything by Farley or Chappelle. This does not include unintentional humor such as laughing at them when they have unprotected sex and get pregnant or contract any number of STD’s. That was mean. Sorry.

I do believe that there is one woman who occasionally sniffs comedy, but ultimately comes up short. Her name? Ellen Degeneres. Why does she almost make it? It’s obvious: she’s a lesbian. This leads me to believe that there is somewhat of a correlation between humor and a sexual preference for a woman’s “naughty parts.”

I am not saying that women do not have a sense of humor. Clearly, some do. I know a lot of girls that are big Seinfeld fans and enjoy the same types of funny that I do. I’m just saying that they can’t come up with the stuff themselves. It’s kinda like how I love sports. I appreciate good athletic achievements, I know what they are, but when I try to replicate them I look like a one-legged, blind midget with MS. It’s not pretty, it’s just the way it is.

So ladies, next time you want to try out your new “material,” don’t. Especially not on stage alongside Mitch Hedberg and Dane Cook. That’s like my dog trying to compete with Rain Man in a card-counting contest, or something like that. Congratulations, you just read the absolute worst analogy in the history of Western Civilization. My bad. Later.

CASE IN POINT: I am watching Letterman right now. Amanda Bynes is on. She is trying to tell jokes. They suck. Consequently, I can’t stop looking at her chest. She’s 18, right?

March 08, 2005

Celebrity Birthday Showdown: Freddie Prinze, Jr. vs. James Van Der Beek

March 8th is the shared birthday of two the late 90’s/early 00’s most influential pop-culture titans. That’s right, James Van Der Beek Jr. (28) and Freddie Prinze, Jr. (29) will both be blowing candles (and maybe each other) out today.

In order to determine who is the better junior, and also who gets the piece of cake w/ the most icing, I thought I’d present a little showdown and find out which one has the better life. The idea of Beek vs. Prinze is not a new one, as it has been hotly debated for centuries which one could do the most push-ups and pull in the most statutory tail.

Let’s get on with the show…

Physical Attractiveness:

While Van Der Beek is no slouch in the sexiness category, it’s hard to compete with Freddie here. The dark, mysterious eyes, chiseled facial structure and boyish charm (I have no idea) are just too much to compete with. I polled (poled) several females and they all concurred, unanimously selecting Prinze, Jr. as the hottest. There you have it.

Winner: Freddie

Acting Resume:

TOUGH. While Freddie has landed teen epics such as I Know What You Did Last Summer, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo 2, and She’s All That, Van Der Beek was known to most of the Western World as Dawson Leery for six years but hasn’t made much of a splash on the big screen. That is, of course, if you manage to forget one of, if not THE best movie of our generation: Varsity Blues (I’m seriously not even joking). Compared with Prinze’s sports offering, Summer Catch, it single-handedly gives The Beek the upper-hand.

Winner: The Beek

Love Interest:

James is married to Heather McComb from “Party of Five.” I never watched that show, so I have no idea who she is. But if this picture is any indication, my only reaction can be... GOO!!! On the other hand, Freddie’s wife is none other than “Buffy,” aka Sarah Michelle Gellar, who I think is overrated, but still hot enough to give Freddie the victory.

Winner: Freddie

Little-known Facts:

Van Der Beek – identified dyslexic in kindergarten. He started acting because a concussion caused him to quit football. He likes the Packers. His favorite group is Dave Matthews Band and his favorite ice cream is vanilla.

Prinze – collects comic books. He is 1/4 Puerto Rican, 1/4 Hungarian and 1/2 Italian. He enjoys Enjoys martial arts, swimming, and recently took up tap dancing.

Winner: The Beek (overcoming dyslexia is courageous - he is the Lance Armstrong of acting)

Future Outlook:

The Beek recently scored a lead role in a CBS comedy pilot “Three” where he will play ½ of a newlywed couple. I have no more details about this. On the other hand, Prinze, Jr. has four films coming out this year. Two of them are animated and one of them is entitled Pool Hall Prophets. “Plot outline: A street-smart pool player falls in with a pack of hustlers. As he rises in the underground circuit, he lands in the middle of a match between his boss and a crooked cop.” This leaves me with only one question: Is there going to be a midnight showing on opening day? If so, I’m there.

Winner: Freddie (I guess)


If you are good at math, you will notice that Freddie Prinze, Jr. won three out of five categories. In most contests this would constitute a victory. However, The Beek was in Varsity Blues, and Jon Moxon’s only one man.

Winner: THE BEEK.

Congratulations to our finalists, may your respective careers rest in peace.

Word of the Day

March 07, 2005

Weekend Wind-down

Recap of Robertcat’s weekend:

- Pretty much 72-straight hours of sitting on my couch watching sports, mainly college hoops. It was real, and it was spectacular.


- Sunday was not a good day to be a Top-10 team. #1, #3, #6 & #7 all lost, and #2 & #4 probably should have. I don’t think I’ve seen that many upsets in one day since the time I told my family I was gay at my grandparents’ 50th anniversary party. Can you say bad timing?

- Tiger vs. Phil went down to the wire @ Dural, and it actually got me to flip back and forth from UNC/Duke during the last few holes. Golf over UNC/Duke? Can’t say that’s ever happened in my life before. They should just set it up so those two guys are in the last group together every week. And show their hot wives making out with each other every five minutes. That would be cool too.

- Speaking of UNC/Duke, I have no loyalty to either team, but I mark my calendar for those two games every year and they never disappoint. College basketball at its finest.

- Speaking of college basketball at its finest, the Bobcats choked on a fat one with a chance to get a share of the MAC Championship on Saturday. Instead they decided to lose, securing the coveted 4th-seed and making them play a 1st round game. Anything can happen now…

- Time Warner won’t let me get ESPNU. I cried for like three hours, listened to a bunch of emo and then killed myself. So I’m dead now.

- I am a loser.

March 04, 2005

Movie Quoting is Fun

I watched Tommy Boy last night. It’s been a while since my last viewing, but this time I noticed something. It is, by FAR, the most-quoted movie in my pathetic, unoriginal life. The amount of one-liners that are now a part of at least five of my daily conversations is mind-blowing.

Is this because I am not creative enough to think of my own jokes? Probably, yes. Is it as funny when I say anything as it is when Chris Farley says anything? Most certainly not. Am I going to continue to quote it regardless? You better believe it. I feel I’m simply paying homage to one of the most genius cinematic masterpieces of all time, and if you don’t like it, you can giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit out.

You know how in high-school Civics class where they told you that the Declaration of Independence is a “living document?” Well, that’s how I feel about the movies I like to quote. They stay alive because of their quotability. Sometimes, the movie itself is not even as good as it is fun to reference it in everyday life.

Some of the funniest parts of my day are when someone can regurgitate the perfect movie line at the perfect time in the perfect situation - sometimes the more obscure, the better. Which is why I decided to list the top three quoted movies in my life. Although I don’t even think "three" qualifies as a “list,” I’m too lazy/stupid to come up with any more than that right now.

1. Tommy Boy

Pick any line in there, and I guarantee I’ve said/heard it in the last week. I was going to list some of my favorites, but just go to this page where you can listen to them all. "I was checking the, uh, s... specs on the end line for the rotary girder. I'm retarded."

Farley Soundboard. Another one.

2. Billy Madison

“Who would steal 30 bag lunches?” “I’ll tell you who took those lunches, it was that damn Sasquatch!”


3. Napoleon Dynamite

This is the new kid on the block, but already proving itself as infinitely quotable. “I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.”

GorillaMask has like infinity of ND Soundboards.

I just noticed something. All of these movies’ titles are a guy’s name. I’ve finally found the recipe for success in Hollywood: have the title of your movie be someone’s name. Scratch that, I just remembered Erin Brockovich. Screw her. Besides, we all know the recipe for success in Hollywood is big, fake breasts, nice lips and some fairly-comfortable kneepads.

Word of the Day

March 02, 2005

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss

If Dr. Seuss were still alive, he’d be 101 today. Today is also Jon Bon Jovi’s 43rd birthday. As a tribute, I thought I’d try my best to write a Seuss-like story about Jersey’s own rock legend for today’s post. I was going to do some illustrations to go along with it, but then I realized that I can’t draw. I apologize in advance for the idiocy that is sure to follow.

In a small state named New Jersey there is a young man,
and he sings and he sings just as loud as he can.

Jon Bongiovi, his parents they named,
but he didn’t like it so quickly it changed.

He started a band with his friend Richie Sambora,
who would later go on to marry a whore-a (j/k Heather).

Their first single “Runaway” had some success,
especially the video with the chick in the dress.

They wanted to hit the big time so they thought and they thought,
“What can we do to make a whole lot?” (of money)

Well they thunk and they thought and they prodded and polled,
and they finally perfected the 80’s rocker mold.

They grew their locks out and they teased and they sprayed,
and you wouldn’t believe it but it got them laid.

‘86 was the year that Bon Jovi’d never forget,
for they released their megahit Slippery When Wet.

They played and they sung “Livin’on a Prayer,”
but what they really lived on was their headfull of hair.

You Give Love a Bad Name,” they told all the girls,
they also dished out a few strands of pearls. (necklaces)

A self-professed cowboy, on a steel horse he rides,
Jon was wanted, WANTED, “Dead or Alive.”

Well they continued to make music for years and for years,
but they could no longer hear all the deafening cheers.

So back to the drawing board Jon went with strife,
“Richie, bust out the talkbox!” here comes “It’s My Life!”

Well you might think that since then their careers’ been a-flyin’,
until they got burned by Triumph from Conan O’Brien.

Well we’ve come to the end of this cute little story,
mostly because it’s time to watch Maury. (paternity tests)

So I bid you adieu and a great rest of the day,
I’m almost sure now that I’m totally gay. Shut up.

The End.

My Favorite Dr. Seuss Books:

The Cat in the Hat

Green Eggs and Ham

And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street

The Lorax

The Sneetches and Other Stories, specifically “Too Many Daves.”

March 01, 2005

Review: Team Handball

This is one CRAZY sport. Before this quarter I had never heard of it, but being a Sport Industry major I need no less than five gym classes to graduate, so I figured – why not give team handball a try? And I must say - I’m glad I did.

If you’re like me and thought team handball was like a bigger version of racquetball with more people involved, I’ll give you a little rundown of what the sport is like… It’s kindof a mix between soccer and basketball, where players try to score goals with a soccer-like ball (only smaller) by dribbling (basketball-style) and passing it down the court and eventually throwing it into the opposing net. At 5-million miles an hour.

My class really didn’t play the “proper” version of the game, it was more of a “barnyard” version where no fouls were called whatsoever and the chances of losing an eye (or testicle) were roughly equivalent to J.J. Redick’s career free-throw percentage (94%). Especially if you are the goalie. I was the goalie.

An important rule of team handball is that no player except for the goalie is allowed inside a 6-meter area surrounding the goal. This means that on a fast break, an opposing player can have free reign on the goal, but most importantly - your un-padded crotch. Let me tell you that I feared for my future-children’s lives on many more than one occasion.

When another player takes a completely uncontested shot at you, you can honestly feel your nuts bracing themselves, hiding from the imminent disaster at hand. They know, like you and everyone else, that their porn career could be over in the blink of an eye. Luckily for me (and hot babes everywhere), mine are still in tact (for the most part).

Fortunately, fear is not a factor for me (unless you’re talking about eating 50-year old goat testicles or looking at Star Jones for more than three consecutive seconds) so I fit naturally into the role of the netminder. Soon, my prowess between the pipes gave way to my new class nickname: “The Wall.” Not to be confused with Calista Flockhart’s bustline.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is for me to brag about how my team just took home the coveted crown of “Class Champions.” That has such as prestigious ring to it, doesn’t it? Huh ladies? I’ll say it again: “CLASS CHAMPIONS.” I declared myself tournament MVP, as my “Julie the Cat-like” reflexes in goal led the way for an undefeated regular-season and tournament run only rivaled by the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers and the 1995 Deering Tornados (from Hang Time, DUH).

To learn more, check out some of these Team Handball Links:

Wikipedia’s Team Handball Page – “Men's field handball was played at the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin at the special request of Adolf Hitler.”

International Handball Federation Official Rules – 97 pages long. I’ll be testing you over it tomorrow.

Handball Court Diagram – so you can start drawing up plays like the “Oop-de-oop.”

USA Team Handball – I’m trying out for the national squad. Wish me luck.

Handball Highlight Videos – All kinds of handball highlights. If you can read whatever foreign language the website is in.

All original material property of Robertcat, ©2004-2005. Don't steal my stuff or I'll annihilate your face.