I don’t watch much TV anymore outside of ESPN and Seinfeld reruns, and one day I got to thinking why exactly that is. I realized the reason I don’t like non-sports television programming anymore is because it stinks worse than the business end of a Ben Affleck sex toy.

So, after months of research and countless hours of intense introspection, I came up with a list of the top five television characters of all time. This list only pertains to sitcoms that I’ve actually seen, so sorry cast of Sex & the City, your alleged witty/edgy sexiness is out of luck.

Keep in mind I have not seen a new sitcom/TV show since high school, therefore any show premiering after 2000 is not eligible. Also, reality TV characters are excluded, because reality television is just code for fake creativity.

If you don’t agree with me it’s probably either because you’re retarded or you’re female, and in most cases, both. On to the list…

1) George Costanza – by FAR the best character on by FAR the best sitcom ever created. End of discussion.

2) Kelly Kapowski – not even the love of my life can overtake Costanza, which either says a lot about how much I like Seinfeld, or says a lot about my homosexual preferences for short balding men.

3) Cosmo Kramer – Kelly Kapowski sandwiched between Kramer and Costanza? Hmm… I’d watch it.

4) Kevin Arnold – the kid was in high school and looked like a 5^th grader, but somehow was able to score all kinds of tail WAY out of his league.

5) Arthur Fonzarelli – definition of cool, at least that’s what my mom tells me. Today, though, he would probably get beat up daily by those pretentious bastards from Laguna Beach High.

Honorable Mention: Homer J. Simpson (he would have made the list if the last four seasons of The Simpsons never existed); Comic Book Guy (same as above); Lt. Columbo; Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote (purely on looks); ALF; the little girl from Small Wonder; Webster; Mr. Garrison/Mr. Slave.