March 15, 2005

Review: Finals Week

Finals week is pretty much my favorite week of the quarter. Why? Because, at most, my school-related time commitment is about two hours for the entire week. Outside of taking the actual tests, I spend about 36 seconds thinking about them and even then I’m only trying to figure out when and where they are and if my lucky blue #1 “Rainbow Brite” pencil is legal.

The only cramming I take part in is when I’m stuffing my face full of junk food and the only stress in my life is what my liver and other vital organs have to endure in the week-long gluttony/binge/sloth/lust-fest.

This week is especially perfect because while everyone else is memorizing the important concepts surrounding the Bratislavan Reformation, I’m breaking down every single team in the Field of Sixty-Five and preparing myself for my upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. Did you know that Craig A. Wilson hits .336 against left-handed middle-relievers in night games following a 10-day road trip?

In honor of all you poor saps that think anyone in the real world actually gives a flying Foucault what your college GPA was, I thought I’d come up with a little final exam of my own…

Get out your #2 pencils, but remember, C’s get Degrees.

1) When staying up studying till 2 a.m., you like to keep yourself alert by:

a. – drinking coffee .

b. – drinking energy drinks.

c. – listening to upbeat music.

d. – watching the neighbor girl use her boobies as stress relievers.

2) When you don’t know an answer to a question, you:

a. – guess.

b. – leave it blank.

c. – copy off a neighbor.

d. – ask Jeeves.

3) When it comes to exam types, you prefer:

a. – essay tests.

b. – multiple choice tests.

c. – true/false tests.

d. – mammograms.

4) When filling out teacher evaluations, you:

a. – try to be as constructive as possible.

b. – give good reviews in hopes of increasing your grade.

c. – rip your professor because he is about to fail you.

d. – tell the T.A. that you “like the swing on her back porch.”

5) During the week, you spend most of your time in:

a. – the library.

b. – the coffee shop.

c. – the classroom.

d. – rehab.

Answer Key:

If you answered anything other than “d” for any of the above questions, you are a nerd. Congratulations, overachiever. Your hard work will be rewarded sometime, I’m sure. I’m sure Bill Gates got 4.0’s throughout his whole college career too. Oh, what was that? He dropped out? That’s right. HAHAHAHAHA.

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