I’m not a big fan of reviews. Movie reviews, TV reviews, restaurant reviews - to me they’re all a waste of perfectly good webspace that could be used to display perfectly good porn. They’re poisoning society and it’s time someone said something about it. And since I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who feels this way, it should probably be me.

Movie Reviews: I like movies. I usually like all movies, as long as they can keep me entertained for two hours (or1 minute & 21 seconds, depending on if it’s a porn or not). I refuse to read movie reviews because most of the time they spoil the movie, and all of the time they try to sound way too smart for themselves. I’m sorry but there was no interior character conflict or shades of disenchantment in Rookie of the Year. It was just a really freaking great movie. Funky Buttlovin.

Why would I want to read the review of some dude I never met whom I share no similar tastes in films? I wouldn’t. I already said that. Pay attention, idiot. I’d rather take a recommendation from a friend, and even then I usually don’t listen. I also know that I can give better movie reviews than Roger Ebert (that's his wife in the picture, btw) by sticking two thumbs up my ass, but I’m not going to do it because I realize that maybe, just maybe, other people find other things interesting than the things that I like. And because I think sodomy may still be illegal in Ohio.

By the way, I already used that Roger Ebert joke once before in this blog. If you can find it, I’ll give you a prize, and by prize I mean knuckle sandwich.

TV Reviews: TV pretty much sucks. There’s your review. If it’s not on ESPN, named Seinfeld, or is another sporting event, it’s usually not worth it. The only time my dial gets turned off of the “worldwide leader” is to watch Lifetime: Television for Idiots. Just kidding, but not really.

Restaurant Reviews: I’m not sure that I really care that much about these. Actually, reviewing restaurants isn’t a bad idea. Wait, no, restaurant reviews suck too. Whatever. I don’t think I’ve even read one in my life. I really have no purpose for restaurant reviews unless they are discussing entrees that rhyme with “macaroni & cheese.”

I know there are a lot of other types of reviews but I don’t want to get into them. Mostly because I’m drunk and I just puked on my keyboard, rendering it useless. I realize the irony of me saying that reviews suck when I am reviewing them at the same time, so don’t even bother. I also realize the irony of me saying that my keyboard was rendered useless and somehow I continue to type. Well, my friend, that’s because I lied. Peace out.