January 11, 2005

I Want to Date a Plus-sized Model

Maybe just once, for a couple of weeks. Seriously, think about it. I’d be able to tell my family and friends that I’m dating a model, and no one has to know that she’s about a size six-squared if I never make any public appearances with her. Most likely never going out in public would suit her better anyway because we all know fat ladies have bad knees, making it tough to walk more than 50 consecutive feet in any given day.

She would almost for sure be a good cook or at least really sweet at ordering Domino’s, Chinese, or Popeyes, and if I ever run out of clean sheets, I’d just be able to throw one of her dresses on the bed and snuggle up in that. I could use her bras to store my bowling balls or whatever and her underwear as a spare parachute in case I ever decide to go skydiving. This is sounding more perfect by the moment.

We’d probably never have to throw out any leftover food, and I doubt I’d have to worry that she’d be sleeping around on me with her photographer who also shoots for the SI swimsuit issue and deals with drop-dead gorgeous women on a daily basis. In the mainstream model scene she’d be more overlooked than a penis in an Ellen Degneres-Rosie O’Donnell ménage-a-trois.

Although she still gets the “model” nametag, all the negatives of the so-called “good-looking” models would be virtually nonexistent. She wouldn’t be conceited like the regular gals, because she’d still have the “fat girl” complex and think she’s inferior to everyone else, which would help out my ego supremely. Although she wouldn’t be “full of herself,” she would DEFINITELY be able to “fill out her clothes.”

Which brings me to the next (and probably best) revelation:

I would never have to answer the “Does my ass look fat in these pants?” question, because she’d already know that her ass DOES look fat in those pants, it’s her JOB to have her ass look fat in those pants. It’s almost too good to be true.

Also, she would hopefully be smart enough to not marry Seal.

So if any of you ladies out there happen to be models and also happen to be on the healthy side of the cellulite spectrum, give the Robertcat a call @ 1-888-CHUNKYLUV.

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