March 09, 2005

Girls are Attractive, not Funny.

I’ve been saying it for a while, and it’s true. I don’t care what you say, I will never find women as funny as men, it’s just not in the cards. Kinda like math. Be honest though, girls. Given the choice, you'd pick being hot over being funny every single day of your physically-self-conscious lives. And I just want you each to know that every single one of you are beautiful. Just some of you are sligtly more beautiful than others.

My biggest problem is with the ones that try to be stand-up “comediennes.” They are the worst. Every one of them has three subjects that they talk about: their vagina, what it’s like to have a vagina, and what it’s like to not have a penis. None of these apply to me in any way, or at least won’t apply to me in any way after my surgery on the 19th of this month.

Don’t get me wrong, there are girls that I know that I consider “clever” and “fun to be around.” Believe it or not, I have a lot of girl friends who I can laugh and have fun with without looking at their chest every five seconds. With them, it’s more like ten. Anyway, these things - although cool - do not make them genuinely 100% funny.

Think about it - when was the last time you genuinely laughed uncontrollably at something that a girl said or did, trying to be funny? I can’t name one. I’ve smiled, even chuckled, but never have died laughing like when I watch anything by Farley or Chappelle. This does not include unintentional humor such as laughing at them when they have unprotected sex and get pregnant or contract any number of STD’s. That was mean. Sorry.

I do believe that there is one woman who occasionally sniffs comedy, but ultimately comes up short. Her name? Ellen Degeneres. Why does she almost make it? It’s obvious: she’s a lesbian. This leads me to believe that there is somewhat of a correlation between humor and a sexual preference for a woman’s “naughty parts.”

I am not saying that women do not have a sense of humor. Clearly, some do. I know a lot of girls that are big Seinfeld fans and enjoy the same types of funny that I do. I’m just saying that they can’t come up with the stuff themselves. It’s kinda like how I love sports. I appreciate good athletic achievements, I know what they are, but when I try to replicate them I look like a one-legged, blind midget with MS. It’s not pretty, it’s just the way it is.

So ladies, next time you want to try out your new “material,” don’t. Especially not on stage alongside Mitch Hedberg and Dane Cook. That’s like my dog trying to compete with Rain Man in a card-counting contest, or something like that. Congratulations, you just read the absolute worst analogy in the history of Western Civilization. My bad. Later.

CASE IN POINT: I am watching Letterman right now. Amanda Bynes is on. She is trying to tell jokes. They suck. Consequently, I can’t stop looking at her chest. She’s 18, right?

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