November 16, 2004

You're all invited to my wedding...

Perfection has a name, and it’s Kelly Kapowski. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I am honestly in love with Mrs. Zack Morris. Not necessarily the actress that portrays her because I don’t know Tiffani Thiessen personally, although the above picture is pretty much all I need. Now that I think about it, I’m in love with her too.

Nevertheless, ever since I was 12 and figured out that girls were attractive (thus bumping their redeeming characteristics to a grand total of one), the brunette cheerleading captain of Bayside High has been the love of my life. No other girl can or will ever live up to her sexcellence, not only in beauty but personality as well – except for the times she dumped Zack for the douche UCLA fratboy Jeff and the nerd anthropology professor Laskey.

It’s pretty sad, and I feel like a major goober for linking this, but there is a mildly cool fansite for Tiffani Thiessen @ (most likely geared toward 15-year-old girls) where you can get screencaps from Saved by the Bell and look at every picture ever taken of the actress. Also, if you want a boneriffic background, check out

Although she could snag any of Hollywood’s actors as well as most prominent athletes not named Pete Sampras, I think I have a pretty solid chance of scoring a date with Tiffani Thiessen. She recently dumped her fiancée and said that a prominent baseball player once sent her a nude photo of himself, and that she would’ve dated him if she was single at the time, leading me to believe that she is a promiscuous whore (j/k Tiff, if you're reading this). So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

It seems some other kid is trying to hone in on my woman. Judging by his songwriting skillz, I don’t think I have much to worry about. Listen to it and you be the judge.

P.S. Someone please buy this shirt for me for Christmas. I wear a medium. Thank you.

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