November 29, 2004

Transfer to Webster U with me!

I am officially transferring colleges. I’m sick of being restrained in my school choices by teams with mascots like bobcats, bulldogs, tigers, or even badgers. They are all lame. Especially Ohio State, who named themselves for a nut. Whoever comes up with these ideas should be lined up and simultaneously punched in the collective groin.

Some schools, however, seem to rise above these blasé choices and find one that is truly meaningful and unique. Such schools include the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, the Delta State Fighting Okra, the Wichita State Shockers (the college’s frontpage dons this motto: “Thinkers, Doers, Movers, and SHOCKERS” - absolutely classic).

There is one school that rises above even the Fighting Okra, and that school is Webster University in St. Louis, Missouri. With a mascot that only Napoleon Dynamite himself could have invented, Webster athletics are represented by the Gorlok, pretty much my favorite mascot of all time. Here’s an explanation:

“It is a mythical creature that was designed by Webster staff and students through a school contest. It is reported to have the paws of a speeding cheetah, horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of a dependable Saint Bernard. The myth of the Gorlok "embodies the highest standards of speed, agility, and stamina in an atmosphere of fairness and good conduct.”

My application has been sent. I’ll be attending classes and trying to capture the mythical beast next fall. Go Gorloks!

Watch the Gorlok in action! (I have no idea why this video is on the internet)

p.s. – Congrats to the latest tool of the week, Steven Tyler.

Clummer update: JC stepped up BIG in the Raiders' first playoff game. How about 2 interceptions, 1 forced fumble, and 14 tackles? Good thing I've already signed on as his agent, this man is going Pro Bowl for sure.

November 25, 2004

Where are they now? Thanksgiving edition!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Quick analogy: Anorexics are to Thanksgiving what Jehovah’s Witnesses are to Christmas. Try to do your anorexic friends a favor and pass them the sweet potatoes, or just eat them all yourself and then call yourself fat. Anyways, hope everyone’s Thanksgiving is a gut-bustingly, tryptophanatical turkey day. On with the post…

After typing my last post about how much I loved the 90’s, I got to thinking… What are some of my favorite 90’s stars doing now? After a quick google search and recalling some funny news of the past week, I found a few guys you might find of interest. It turns out some of them are doing some things you wouldn’t expect, or even care about, or want to see at all.

Remember Steve Urkel? Of course you do - Jaleel White turned in one of the greatest sitcom performances of all time during Family Matters, plus he was really great in that Toys ‘R Us commercial when he was three. Now, it seems Jaleel is letting his creative juices flow, as a blogger for He must be really busy, because he’s posted exactly one time since June.

Next on the where are they now lineup is Averman from the Mighty Ducks. Remember the wise-cracking Jewish kid who looked about as athletic as Stephen Hawking? Well his real name is Matt Doherty, and he’s kept acting, if you can call it that. He’s been in two projects since D3: a drunk in Truth and Dare (yes, THE Truth and Dare) and also a Masterpiece Video Employee in 2000’s Ghost World. The funny part isn’t his less-than-impressive resume, it’s what he looks like. Poor Averman must’ve taken a knucklepuck straight to the kisser.

And finally, everyone’s favorite sampler/plagiarizer/celebrity boxer/reality star Vanilla Ice, aka Robert Van Winkle. Apparently he’s taken his music a new, hardcore direction, now playing a thrash version of everyone’s favorite, Ice Ice Baby. The real news, however, is that the Winskster was recently reunited with his pet wallaroo and goat after a frightening moment when they escaped for over a week. What is more perplexing? The fact that Ice has these crazy pets, the fact that a goat and a wallaroo hung out, wandering around together on their own for over a week, or the fact that Vanilla is still alive?

November 23, 2004

Best. Decade. Ever.

Ahh, the 1990’s – unquestionably my favorite decade of my existence on this planet. Even though it’s the only decade that I’ve lived through in its entirety, I can’t foresee any 10-year period eclipsing it in ass-kickery. Let’s recap: it began with the last Reds World Series title as well as the last winning season for my beloved Bengals, and ended with a true Yankee dynasty (4 rings in 5 years) and a UConn Husky basketball title.

As if my sports teams’ successes weren’t enough, the 90’s also saw superior TV programming such as Saved by the Bell, Boy Meets World, and Nickelodeon classics like Salute Your Shorts, Pete & Pete, and Hey Dude. Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick were tag team partners on SportsCenter, and the REAL Dale Earnhardt was burning NASCAR rubber, leaving Dick Trickle in the dust.

Classic movies like Rookie of the Year and The Sandlot were released, the NBA was actually good (I’d pit the Original Dream Team against any concoction of hoopsters in history – Chris Mullin was amazing), the gender of the Hanson kids was a hot topic in the lunchroom, and I don’t care what you say, the WWF was NOT fake.

Video games were also at their prime. The only incarnation of Coach K College Basketball was the best hoops game ever created, Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen were virtually unstoppable in Tecmo Super Bowl, Scorpion was busy ripping the heart out of Raiden, and the secret to eternal life could be found in up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-START

MTV actually played music videos, and pop/rock music was in its heyday. I’ll trade Better than Ezra, Spin Doctors, Gin Blossoms, and Hootie for 14-year old girls with makeup and breast implants any day of the week. The Simpsons’ writers had not given up yet, Seinfeld solidified itself as the best TV show ever, and the only things the Olsen twins were throwing up were temper tantrums.

In the 1990’s, life was good - we didn’t have waste-of-life celebrities failing at seven different careers at a time (*cough, cough, Britney) while force-feeding us the horse manure they call music, movies, and TV. At least when celebrities realized that they had nothing left to contribute to society they acted in our best interest and overdosed.

In conclusion, this New Year’s my resolution is to travel back in time, to a place where life was perfect and McDonald’s still had pizza. I’ve already ordered my time machine off the internet – all that’s missing are the crystals. Got room for one more if you’re headed to Aspen, because Life is a Highway and if you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends.

Apparently, VH1 has aired an “I Love the 90’s” series. I haven’t seen it, but here’s the official site. See if you can beat my perfect score on the Trivial Pursuit Quiz.

November 22, 2004

He picks passes, I pick my nose

As the BCS continues to wreak havoc on the NCAA’s D-I national championship picture year after year, fans can look to Division III for a pure form of champion-crowning, and more often than not in the past decade, the champion crowned has been the Mount Union Purple Raiders hailing from Alliance, Ohio.

The Raiders have seven titles since ’93, and have made it to the championship game in each of the last four years, winning three. It is no coincidence that this success seems to follow the career path of MY BOY, one Jesse Scott Clum - Greenville Sr. High alum and recently selected OAC Defensive Back of the Year.

Clum is called “Sunshine” by his teammates for his California good looks, but there’s more to this free-safety than a flowing golden mane and chiseled abs. He led the #1 ranked Raiders with 4 interceptions, including one for a 72-yard TD. Although he makes opponents look like they rode the short bus to the game, these are no slouches that JC continues to embarrass week after week.

Let it be known that the Clummer will not hesitate to dump beer on any girl’s head at any given time, so ladies you had better watch it – this guy means business. And if you need a babysitter, don’t call #10 –blatant and graphic profanity around kids is like breathing for him.

Mount Union looks to continue their title run with their playoff opener vs. Wheaton this Saturday, and are three wins away from their fifth consecutive Stagg Bowl appearance. Tell your friends to cheer for them or you may be swimming in 12 ounces of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Historical Re-Creation or Cheap Shot?

A Scottish company called Traffic Games released an online video game today that attempts to re-create the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy. In "JFK Reloaded," Lee Harvey Oswald wannabes attempt to assassinate the President in the exact way game developers believe the events took place.

"We've created the game with the belief that Oswald was the only person that fired the shots on that day, although this recreation proves how immensely difficult his task was," a company spokesman said. He’s offering $100,000 to the first person who uses it to duplicate the shots which killed the president.

The game, retailing at $9.99 has sparked much controversy already, even from JFK’s brother Edward. “It is despicable,” his spokesman commented.

This is definitely not the first time a video game has caused such an uproar and it probably won’t be the last, but one can’t help but wonder what happened to the good old days when gamers could revel in the success of spitting a fireball at a winged turtle or perfectly piecing polygonal blocks together… man that sounds really boring now that you think about it.

Nevertheless, one can’t help but wonder if Traffic Games’ next project will be an Al Qaeda flight simulator or maybe Paperboy: Unabomber Edition.

P.S. - Congratulations to Ron Artest, the very-first-ever recipient of Bob Vila's Craftsman Tool of the Week.

November 21, 2004

Reality Television at its Finest

After seeing the Pistons/Lakers fiasco on Friday, I got to thinking… What are the craziest & most bizarre things that I’ve seen while watching sports in my lifetime? I came up with five that stood out in my mind, not necessarily in any order, but all of which made my jaw drop.

1. Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and Jermaine O’Neal vs. Detroit Piston fans

This was unbelievable. After all Artest has been through recently, you would think he would think twice before doing anything at all, including jumping into the crowd and going after a fan – the man is just a few cells short of a brain. We all knew Detroit fans were capable of stooping to this level, and they can definitely be blamed for being idiots, but had Artest not gone into the stands nothing would have happened. The look on that one fan’s face was priceless as RA jumped over the scorer’s table. He went from amused to terrified in .32 seconds.

Remember Jimmy Kimmel’s “you can’t spell Detroit without r-i-o-t” comment after the Pistons won the NBA title? It’s dated now, but check out this article from The Brushback (The Onion of sports news). It’s not true, but still funny.

2. Yankees vs. Red Sox, 2003 ALCS.

This series had everything: Clemens vs. Manny, Pedro vs. Kareem Garcia, Pedro vs. Don Zimmer, Relief pitchers vs. grounds crewman, and Aaron Boone vs. a mediocre Tim Wakefield knuckleball.

The 2003 ALCS is the best sports series I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and Game 7 is the best single game. As a Yankee fan, this ranks up there, if not above, all 4 World Series titles.

3. Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield’s Ear

I can remember just being confused/impressed when Iron Mike took a chunk out of Evander. I’m not sure that my teeth are even capable of something like that. As a result, when Tyson said he was going to eat Lennox Lewis’s children, I believed every word.

4. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura’s face

I was like 10 or 11 at the time, but I can remember this slugfest like it was yesterday. A 26-year old Ventura decides to take a ride on the 47-year old Ryan Express, charging the mound and subsequently getting annihilated in the process. Ryan just stood there as he charged and then put him in a headlock and repeatedly bludgeoned the dignity right out of the White Sox infielder.

5. Super Bowl XXX(VIII)’s Nipplegate

It lasted all of half a second, but Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show may have caused the most uproar per actual event duration in the history of sports. I’m not sure which was more shocking, the fact that it happened or the fact that they tried to pass it off as an accident.

November 19, 2004

Go see National Treasure. Then punch yourself in the throat.

I have not actually seen this movie, but I can already give you three reasons why it sucks – Nicholas Cage is in it. How this guy got into Hollywood is beyond me, let alone how he’s managed to make a career for himself. You would think casting directors would review actors’ filmography before production, but apparently this is not the case. If they really had seen Matchstick Men, 8MM, Snake Eyes, Face/Off, etc, there is no way they would let this guy anywhere near a movie set.

I don’t know how well the movie will do at the box office and I don’t really know the premise because I can’t even pay attention through the whole trailer which is remarkable considering it’s only been on about 400 times in the last hour on ESPN. I am too busy cringing thinking about his classic line “What’s more exciting, boosting cars, or having sex?” If it involves Nicholas Cage? Neither, thank you very much.

If you can show me one Nicholas Cage fan out there, I will show you one person working with a few extra chromosomes. I’ll tell you what Nicky can do with his National Treasure. He can bury it securely in his no-talent ass because I for one am not buying it.

Apparently, Cage is interested in searching for an ape-man who supposedly lives in the Tibetan mountains. He became interested after seeing wild dogs in Africa. Don’t ask me how he made THAT connection. "We have dogs around us every day but to see a wild dog in its own nature is like seeing a cave man. It's like I kind of know you but I don't and you're interesting," the “actor” was quoted as saying. You have got to be kidding me.

On a lighter note, watch this Beagle run around on his front two legs.

This dog was not about to get upstaged by the Beagle. He decided to run around on his ONLY two legs. I think this video was supposed to be a heartwarming story about a dog overcoming the odds, but mostly it just creeps me out.

November 18, 2004

Ode to my friends from the East

Asians. No wonder America calls them the “Model Minority.” When they aren’t solving groundbreaking math equations, pioneering breakthroughs in cars and electronics, and being lead geneticists in Jurassic Park, they can be down right funny.

I can’t say I’ve ever had a negative experience with an Asian person. Most that I’ve come in contact with are very respectable, friendly, outgoing, and have a great sense of humor. Except when I was 16 and took kung fu for a month, my instructor introduced me to the floor more times than Sub-Zero, which was not cool at all.

Some of my favorite Asians of all-time: Bruce Lee, Hideki Matsui, Mr. Miyagi, Justin Fourman, every person ever on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Jackie Chan, and my new favorite: Yuta Tabuse – first Japanese player ever in the NBA.

Some Asians that I’m not particularly fond of: Yokozuna (& Mr. Fuji for that matter), Chiang Kai-shek, Hideki Irabu, Oddjob, the aforementioned kung-fu instructor, and Tommy Chang – NCAA’s new record holder for career passing yards.

To prove that Asians are incredibly smart and funny at the same time, I’ve compiled some photo & video evidence for your enjoyment:

Example of their Efficiency - Their impeccable work ethic starts at an early age.

Keyboard Drum Salesman – I haven’t been this impressed with keyboard skills since I first heard Wesley Willis tickle the fake ivories.

Matrix Ping Pong – There is no way I or any of you reading this could have ever come up with this concept. Genius.

Ninja Rap - Not exactly a real Asian, just a pretend one. Dont even TRY to pass a football with this guy around.

And finally, Yatta! (click on yatta.asf)– I enjoy this. You will enjoy this. When you figure out why we enjoy this, let me know.

November 17, 2004

Welcome to the Jungle

No matter who you are or what your favorite NFL team is, it is virtually impossible to hate the Cincinnati Bengals. The fact that Cincinnati hasn’t had a winning season since 1990 equates them with the retarded kid in class that you enjoy making fun of but can’t truly say that you dislike them.

Chad Johnson could be misconstrued as that retarded kid except that he wears a different kind of helmet and sometimes knows when to shut up.
CJ’s antics rival that of Terrell Owens, and usually he backs up his talk (save for one game involving Cleveland’s DB’s and Pepto Bismol). He also does a weekly piece for a local TV station called Chad’s Corner. Watch it, then add it to your bookmarks and pretend I link to it every week because as Kenny Banya says, it’s gold.

This week he asks every fan attending the upcoming Steelers game at Paul Brown Stadium to donate a dollar, because he plans on doing a touchdown celebration that will get him a fine.
On a past classic episode he steals rookie Chris Perry’s “bling” and wears it driving around Cincinnati in his vintage pink Cadillac.

Another Bengal close to all Bengals’ fans hearts is Mr. Elbert “Ickey” Woods.
After leaving the NFL, he turned to the lucrative world of door-to-door meat sales and charging kids to see his “Ickey Shuffle.” However, it seems Mr. Woods is involved in a new venture. Read my latest post on NoBloodNoFoul and prepare for laughter.

Apparently the Bengals have a new theme song. Pretty weak if you ask me. I like this one much better.

November 16, 2004

You're all invited to my wedding...

Perfection has a name, and it’s Kelly Kapowski. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I am honestly in love with Mrs. Zack Morris. Not necessarily the actress that portrays her because I don’t know Tiffani Thiessen personally, although the above picture is pretty much all I need. Now that I think about it, I’m in love with her too.

Nevertheless, ever since I was 12 and figured out that girls were attractive (thus bumping their redeeming characteristics to a grand total of one), the brunette cheerleading captain of Bayside High has been the love of my life. No other girl can or will ever live up to her sexcellence, not only in beauty but personality as well – except for the times she dumped Zack for the douche UCLA fratboy Jeff and the nerd anthropology professor Laskey.

It’s pretty sad, and I feel like a major goober for linking this, but there is a mildly cool fansite for Tiffani Thiessen @ (most likely geared toward 15-year-old girls) where you can get screencaps from Saved by the Bell and look at every picture ever taken of the actress. Also, if you want a boneriffic background, check out

Although she could snag any of Hollywood’s actors as well as most prominent athletes not named Pete Sampras, I think I have a pretty solid chance of scoring a date with Tiffani Thiessen. She recently dumped her fiancée and said that a prominent baseball player once sent her a nude photo of himself, and that she would’ve dated him if she was single at the time, leading me to believe that she is a promiscuous whore (j/k Tiff, if you're reading this). So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

It seems some other kid is trying to hone in on my woman. Judging by his songwriting skillz, I don’t think I have much to worry about. Listen to it and you be the judge.

P.S. Someone please buy this shirt for me for Christmas. I wear a medium. Thank you.

All original material property of Robertcat, ©2004-2005. Don't steal my stuff or I'll annihilate your face.