With less than seven shopping days left, if you haven’t purchased my Christmas presents yet then we are officially broken up. To help you out, I’ve compiled a list of only the absolutely necessary items for me to continue life in the coming year, so get out your credit cards and start charging like Serena Williams at a sausage smorgasbord.

- Lego Ray Allen – doesn’t officially go up for auction until January, but it won’t hurt to get some preliminary bids in there. I don’t even care if several of you pool your money together, JUST GET IT.

- Kelly Kapowski T-Shirt – I asked for this before, but I figured I’d reiterate the fact that if I don’t get it, I will throw a temper tantrum and then kill all of your first-borns.

- Napoleon Dynamite DVD – in fact, don’t worry about it. I can’t wait till Christmas, I’m buying it at midnight when it comes out on the 21^st.

- LotR Pinball Machine – I need this or I will contract AIDS and die. You don’t want me to contract AIDS and die, do you? Don’t answer that.

- Playboy Pinball Machine – maybe this one will balance out my geekyness. However, there’s a good chance I actually COULD contract AIDS and die just from touching this machine. Maybe it’s just the way I play pinball, but doesn’t everyone use their naked penis as a lever? Just Checking.

- Japanese Lap Pillow – I’m lonely. (Thanks for the idea, Szozda. Now if you don’t get it for me then you’re going to get to know the back of my hand really well.

- Mighty Ducks 4 Tickets – not yet released, but I’m sure you could procure some passes to the premiere already, so do it or I’ll give you a knucklepuck to the temple.

and now for the granddaddy…

- Henry Rowengartner Jersey – I came up with this idea one night while I was lying in bed thinking about funky buttlovin. Thank God for customizable jerseys.

- Henry Rowengartner T-Shirt – If you’re too poor or too cheap or if you only mildly enjoy my company, get this one. Actually get both, I’ll use the T as an undershirt for my totally kickass jersey.

There you have it. Pretty modest if you ask me. All I’m asking for are the comforts that no red-blooded pre-man should ever live without. If I don’t’ have every one of these in my possession by the end of the month, then my New Year’s Resolution will be to find you and introduce you to my friend, Mr. Cleveland Steamer. Thank you.