January 28, 2005

Nature's Urine. In a can (or bottle).

Today’s post chronicles some of the most perfectly terrible drink ideas in the history of our planet. They range from “this tastes like piss,” to “this tastes like ass.” I realize that “Thirsty Thursday” was yesterday, but I just got the idea today so BACK OFF. Here they come…

New Brew - It seems Budweiser has a new idea. Introducing: “B-to-the-E. “The "B" standing for beer, the "E" for something "extra" and shown as an exponent of B.” An exponent!?!? I have a hard enough time remembering my address when I’m out drinking, let alone my high-school math classes.

I guess it’s supposed to fight for the mixed drink dollars of the young bar-goers, but if I ever hear anyone order this in my presence, I will take it upon myself to find a nice place for my 40 oz. Steel Reserve. And by “nice place,” I mean squarely across their temple. I can just picture those Aqua Teen frat guys ordering one of these… “Yo, D-to-the-P, hook me up with summathat B-to-the-E, bro!!! My dad owns a DEARLERSHIP!”

Liquid Ice - This one’s not alcoholic, but it is an energy drink put out by the man responsible for “Cop Killer” (who, in an attempt to define irony, went on to play a cop in “Law and Order, SVU”). This may be the most over-the-top website that I’ve ever seen for a product that most of you have probably never heard of. If you can get past the ridiculous intro, you can look at some more ridiculous content, such as some of its benefits: *increase concentration AND *gets you focused. I have some great jokes for the rest but I seriously doubt you’ll make it that far.

These links remind me of some of the worst beverage ideas of my lifetime, so I went ahead and listed a few more drinks that made your taste buds want to commit ritual suicide…

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper – This actually just came out this month. What? I’m confused.

Pepsi Blue – An old CLASSIC. This BEGS the old SNL line “who are the AD wizards who came up with that one!?” This was seriously the worst drink of all time. It tasted like a mix between cough syrup and John Madden’s duck butter. My mom actually bought a couple cases of this when it came out, and I was able to save a few cans and a 2-liter, which I plan on serving at my wedding. That’s assuming that Clay Aiken says yes to my proposal AND that we move to Massachusetts. There was even a song about how bad this shit was. Listen to it, jerk.

Crystal Pepsi – Remember this? Awesome, so do I. Clear cola. It still has its own fan page. There’s also an online petition to bring it back, and we all know how effective online petitions are. I’m still waiting for the “Salute Your Shorts” DVD’s.

New Coke – And then Coke II, and now C2. All of which were/are horrible ideas and don’t even deserve to be dignified by me making fun of them.

Pepsi One – Not even securing THE Tom Green as a spokesman could keep this drink afloat. Mainly because it tasted like liquid aluminum with a hint of battery acid. BUT IT ONLY HAS ONE CALORIE!!! So does my semen, but you don’t see me whoring that around do you? Okay, so that was a bad example. Forget it.

Pretty much every Mountain Dew Spinoff Ever.

Imported Elephant – Danish malt liquor. I got duped into buying a 6-pack of this once because of the cool white elephant on the packaging. It tasted like the brewing process involved dropping a bunch of 1974 mint pennies into a vat of ball-sweat. It is now referred to as “Sweaty Pennies” by my buddies and I, and I hereby challenge anyone reading this to finish an entire 6-pack in one sitting. I think one of the customer reviews in that link says it best:

From Haywood Jablomi, 
“It tastes like something that came out of

the ass-end of a menstrual elephant.”

On that note, this list is officially over. Those were most of the “WTF” drinks that I can remember off-hand. I know there are probably buttloads more, but I’m done. Figure the rest out for yourself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet Eric and drink my own pee.

Word of the Day

UPDATE: You have no idea what kind of acrobatic feat it took for me to make this post this morning. Picture this scene: me, drunk as hell, in my boxers w/ headphones on (the headphones are conveniently attached to no music source whatsoever) @ 3:00 a.m. Somehow I managed to click onto blogger, post my pre-written article, and then pass out at my desk only to wake up the next morning with my headphones (still attached to nothing) still on, a disgusting mix of vomit/drool on my chest, and my hand strategically inside the “piss-hole” of my boxers giving the “little robertcat” some drunken solace. That is either really freaking impressive or really freaking sad… You decide.

p.s.- Apparently, I also called my mom last night to tell her to thank my dad for passing his "superior wang" gene on to me. I rule.

All original material property of Robertcat, ©2004-2005. Don't steal my stuff or I'll annihilate your face.