I’m not going to lie, when I get bored I sometimes tend to read the away messages of everyone on my IM list. Everyone does it. I don’t really even care what any of you are doing, it’s just a habit for some reason. I realize how incredibly idiot-tastic this is, because 98.6% of the time what you have to say pisses me off. But I still do it. Sue me.

Some of the time you’ll give me a run-down of what your daily schedule is, which is nice because it makes my job as professional stalker that much easier. ex - “Off to class, then lunch w/ Dave @ 1, then hair appt, then a meeting at 3, then off to work-out, then back home where I’ll be changing clothes in front of the east window and massaging my erogenous zones.”

Sometimes you will write ambiguous notes to anonymous people but it’s usually obvious who the person is you’re referring to. ex -“SOMEONE left me tremendously unfulfilled last night (frowny face). I’m not going to name names, but let’s just call him S. Donaldson, no wait that’s too obvious… Steve D. There.”

Other times, you’ll write coded messages to your peeps in beautiful rainbows of color that make my eyes want to vomit that eye-juice stuff you learn about when you dissect a cow’s eye in 7^th grade. These are interesting. ex – “***watz up 2 all my girlzZ!(angel face); guud TiMEs oN SprInG bREak!!! (super-happy face); p-LO: luvZ ya 4-EVA!!! (some other face); and G-%m%: you’s da BOMB!! (blowjob face)”

Better yet, a lot of you like to put IM conversations that you’ve had w/ your friends in there. Most of these are not nearly as humorous as you think. ex -
poopchute69:"so i was all like, if you’re gonna donkey-punch me, at least have the decency to put me back into bed when you leave "
goatluv213: "lol, brb."

Also, putting your phone number in your profile is dangerous. Ladies, if you don’t want me drunk-dialing you @ 3:00 a.m. on a Monday night asking if your Dixie Wrecked, don’t put your # in your profile. End of discussion.

Though the above are all bad, the absolute WORST faux-pas of IM profiling is the quoting of songs. These songs almost always suck. If I wanted to hear those crappy lyrics, I would LISTEN to the song. I don’t need you to tell me what it says. I don’t care what deep meaning the song has for you, it was probably written by a dude on PCP that says it’s about a trip to the dentist one day when he was seven. And you thought it was about getting over a lost love. Idiot. Sometimes people will put an entire song in there. Maybe there’s something to it that I just don’t get. Sorry.

You may say: “Robertcat, you quote movies in your away messages all the time.” To which I say: “Bite me. As long as it’s funny, it’s cool. If I say it’s cool, it’s cool. Got it?”

In honor of everyone that feels the need to quote songs in their IM profiles, I went ahead and posted the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all time. These words really speak to me and help me feel happy when I’m sad and whatnot. Without further ado, I present:

“Groovy Underwear” by Pansy Division, circa 1994.

Tight briefs on your sexy butt
White fabric surrounding your nuts
Bike shorts put it on display
You´re wearing it to the left today
Sweat pants clinging to your crevice
Boxer shorts for easy access
I´m digging your

(chorus)
Groovy underwear, groovy underwear, ooh, ooh
Groovy underwear, groovy underwear, ooh, ooh
It´s so groovy

Jockstrap showing off your cheeks
Movin´ in for a closer peek
Running shorts, thin as paper
Barely dressed, nearly naked
Pulled down around your ankles
I´ll make you spill out like an oil tanker
All because of your groovy underwear

(chorus)

Stretched tight, so hot
I´ve come, i´ve shot
My turn now to get you off
What a collection of skivvies i´ve got
Skimpy little G-string
Hardly a stitch covering that thing
Tucked into that little pouch
Straining hard to get out
Barely hold you once you get throbbing
Let my hands go fishing around in
Look what i found in your groovy underwear

(chorus)

You sure know how to please
Let me give those buns a squeeze
What fine cakes, what fine batter
Any second now i´m gonna splatter
All over your groovy underwear

(chorus)

There you go. Hope you enjoyed that. Seriously though, that song is amazing. Download it. If you couldn’t piece it together already from their not-ambiguous lyrics, Pansy Division is gay.

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