April 29, 2005

Robertcat to become RobertGoldenEagle

Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue as well, but I guess it’s better than RobertGoldenShower… or is it? (I don’t even know what that means, Grandma.) Come to think of it, all of my nicknames seem to revolve around some kind of animal. “Robdawg,” “Robertcat,” and most recently: “RobertHorsecock” (by a vulerable high-school babe to be named later.)

Anyway, next fall I’ll be starting law school @ Marquette in sunny, sensational Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They were my 1st choice because of their sports law program, but those catholic bastards put my application on hold back in February and I just now heard back from them. I guess my daily drunken emails demanding: “Let me in your school, you jerks” actually paid off.

After Marquette snubbed me worse than the time Kramer snubbed Gail Cunningham, I was all set to move to San Diego for school instead. California: the land of real tans and fake boobies - what more could a 23-year old single guy ask for? Besides maybe a few video games, a few beers (okay a lot of beers), and an HDTV complete w/ every premium sports package. Oh, and a personal chef, a private golf course and maybe throw in every DVD ever made. Not to mention the obligatory sexually subservient supermodel, duh.

I may be kicking myself in the groin come next January when my nuts are frozen together in Milwaukee and I remind myself that I could be going to the beach instead, but I’ll probably just eat a block of cheese and do whatever else stereotypical Wisconsonians do for fun instead. I have no idea.

Alright, so if anyone reading this has any legal problems ever again, consider them solved. Just come to me and I’ll take care of you (assuming I don’t flunk out, which is a definite possibility, considering the fact that I’m skipping FLAG FOOTBALL class right now). I should be able to get you out of any legal problems you might encounter, but I won’t save you any money on car insurance. Actually, I may be able to do that too. Who knows…

If anyone reading this lives in Milwaukee or goes to Marquette and happens to be a smoking-hot female, hit me up. I sure would be nice for someone to show me the “ins and outs” of… I just lost my train of thought… the area. And by area I mean vagina. Sorry, I couldn’t stay away from that one.

Time to wrap up this post. Until next time, if it pleases the court I'd like to submit Exhibit: A, this picture of an attractive female:

(I like her bangs)

April 05, 2005

I have a broken back.

L5 Spondylolysis. It’s not as bad as it sounds though. I can still walk, I’m just not allowed to do anything more physical than that for like a month, which is nice because I really wasn’t looking forward to playing outside (now that the sun finally came out here and the temperature isn’t 20-below) anyway.

I also can’t participate in my soccer and flag football classes, which put me in jeopardy of not graduating on time. No big deal.

Note: Next time you decide to jump off of a house, make sure you don’t land butt-first. I must’ve forgotten all my ECW training and now I’m paying for it.

So, what do I plan on doing with my non-active time? Eating, drinking, sleeping, watching TV and other stuff that really isn’t any of your business. You can send flowers and cards if you want, but what I’d really appreciate are nude photos of your girlfriend. Or, in the event that you are an actual girl and reading this at the same time (highly unlikely), go ahead and send nude photos of yourself. Or your mom.

My life as a cripple really won’t be a whole lot different than it was as an able-bodied man the last few months, but I am going to have to break the bad news to my blow-up-doll Chloe. She is going to be pissed. And extremely unfulfilled for a while.

Alright, I’m going to go lay down and watch TV now. I love being handicapped. I don’t know what Christopher Reeve (may he rest in peace) was bitching about all that time. He had it MADE.

p.s. - I wrote a piece for GorillaMask earlier this week. You can check it out if you want.

March 31, 2005

Retiring. From life.

Well, it’s Spring Quarter of my senior year. This means two things: 1) I’m almost graduated. & 2) This is the time of year in Ohio that girls start to reveal much of their previously winter-covered anatomy, causing me to stare at them longingly and creepily from afar, wondering what kind of panties they might be wearing.

Nevertheless, my focus on pretty much everything in life goes from about 5% to negative 100 billion %. At any given point in the day there’s a good chance you can find me drinking, eating various grilled meats, running the streetball scene, and watching TV… all at the same time.

Therefore, typing blog entries is not exactly on my short list of things to do for the day. However, I decided to make an unconscious commitment to update this thing almost every time it’s raining outside, there’s nothing good on TV, the Yankees aren’t playing, I’m not too drunk, or if somehow every attractive female on the planet suddenly goes extinct. Hey, you never know.

I don’t want to say that I’ve ran out of good ideas, because to run out is to say that I’ve had any at all to begin with. I’m thinking 1-2 posts per week on the main page and the Sports Blog will probably become standard, and at least 75% of them will involve Saved by the Bell or underage females… ahem… of-age females. A pre-emptive apology to anyone who isn’t a Kelly Kapowski fan. p.s. – If you don’t think Rod was the cooler Belding brother, you are a dork.

Alright, well, Penelope Cruz just came on Letterman, so I’m going to make like a machete and whack off. I mean, make like a tree and scram. I mean, shut up. Later.

March 28, 2005

Review: My Spring Break

Robertcat’s Fun-Tastic Spring Break Spectacular Blowout Bash began with a mini-trip to Nashville to watch the Ohio Bobcats in NCAA 1st round action. After coming back from a 20-point deficit in the 2nd half, they lost it in the waning seconds due to a David Lee airball that gave way to an offensive rebound, putback, and one. Then the Bobcats forgot to take a shot in their last two possessions and consequently, went home.

Never fear though, I killed 18 hobos (one for each of Matt Walsh’s brain cells) on my way out of town, so I’d give the slight edge to the robertcat in the weekend series.

The rest of the week was spent in sunny (42 degrees + monsoon-like rainfall) Greenville, Ohio where I watched the shiznit out of my parents’ 12 HBO channels. I’ve now seen Along Came Polly eight times. Which is eight more than I should admit to anyone ever.

When I wasn’t watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" reruns or the March Madness insanity (you can read my thoughts about it in the Sports Blog), I was owning the Darke Co. streetball scene with a bevy of behind the back dishes and busting raindrops from 25-feet. I’ve now achieved legend status @ the park, now known to most as Triple Mocha Latte. Never mind that the kids I played against were 9&10 year olds. And semi-retarded.

Alright, this is a worthless post and "Airline" just came on TV, so I’m going to stop typing. Now.

March 17, 2005

Spring Break!!! Or Something.

While most collegiate types have been and will be heading to exotic locations for their spring breaks, Robertcat will have none of it. Why? Because I don’t want to. And because my mom won’t let me because she’s afraid I’ll go on a week-long crystal-meth bender. Actually, it’s because I’m poor and I miss my dog.

Anyway, while all you lucky richy rich’s out there will be having fun in the sun, I’ll be mixing it up in rural Ohio doing crazy things that you can’t even comprehend. Like watching HBO and Skinemax, if I’m lucky. It’ll probably be more like a whole lot of “Full House” reruns and the occasional Disney DVD. I’m a sucker for Aladdin.

Truthfully, I will be doing something fun/cool as I’ll be catching the first round of the NCAA tournament in Nashville, TN on Friday to see by Bobcats pull off the certain upset of the Florida Gay-tors. Put a stamp on that one.

If any of you live in Nashville, hit me up so me and my buddy can have a place to stay for free. We’re cheap. And fairly open to suggestion.

Aside from that, don’t expect much in the way of updates for the next week or so, except maybe in my Sports Blog. I might put up a few photos of my killer spring break, but probably not. Actually, definitely not.

So, if you wanna join me to work on our tans at North Park, meet me @ the volleyball court (the only place with sand in G-Ville) at high noon on Monday. If you want to help me eat my mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies, FORGET ABOUT IT. They’re all mine. If you want to get schooled, hoops style, give me call. If you want to hold hands while watching a chick-flick, I’m open to that too.

Come to think of it, I’ll be watching basketball for pretty much the whole break. Don’t bother me. TTFN.

March 15, 2005

Review: Finals Week

Finals week is pretty much my favorite week of the quarter. Why? Because, at most, my school-related time commitment is about two hours for the entire week. Outside of taking the actual tests, I spend about 36 seconds thinking about them and even then I’m only trying to figure out when and where they are and if my lucky blue #1 “Rainbow Brite” pencil is legal.

The only cramming I take part in is when I’m stuffing my face full of junk food and the only stress in my life is what my liver and other vital organs have to endure in the week-long gluttony/binge/sloth/lust-fest.

This week is especially perfect because while everyone else is memorizing the important concepts surrounding the Bratislavan Reformation, I’m breaking down every single team in the Field of Sixty-Five and preparing myself for my upcoming fantasy baseball drafts. Did you know that Craig A. Wilson hits .336 against left-handed middle-relievers in night games following a 10-day road trip?

In honor of all you poor saps that think anyone in the real world actually gives a flying Foucault what your college GPA was, I thought I’d come up with a little final exam of my own…

Get out your #2 pencils, but remember, C’s get Degrees.

1) When staying up studying till 2 a.m., you like to keep yourself alert by:

a. – drinking coffee .

b. – drinking energy drinks.

c. – listening to upbeat music.

d. – watching the neighbor girl use her boobies as stress relievers.

2) When you don’t know an answer to a question, you:

a. – guess.

b. – leave it blank.

c. – copy off a neighbor.

d. – ask Jeeves.

3) When it comes to exam types, you prefer:

a. – essay tests.

b. – multiple choice tests.

c. – true/false tests.

d. – mammograms.

4) When filling out teacher evaluations, you:

a. – try to be as constructive as possible.

b. – give good reviews in hopes of increasing your grade.

c. – rip your professor because he is about to fail you.

d. – tell the T.A. that you “like the swing on her back porch.”

5) During the week, you spend most of your time in:

a. – the library.

b. – the coffee shop.

c. – the classroom.

d. – rehab.

Answer Key:

If you answered anything other than “d” for any of the above questions, you are a nerd. Congratulations, overachiever. Your hard work will be rewarded sometime, I’m sure. I’m sure Bill Gates got 4.0’s throughout his whole college career too. Oh, what was that? He dropped out? That’s right. HAHAHAHAHA.

March 14, 2005

This is WAY better than the prom.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 will go down as honestly one of the best days of my life. That may sound sad, but I don’t care. My Ohio Bobcats won the MAC Championship and I was there to see it. I can definitely say that I’ve never witnessed a more exciting sporting event ever. Except maybe the time I sank the game-winning free throws in the 6th-grade YMCA Championship game with no time left on the clock. Ice water in my veins.

The best part about it, besides the fact that it’s the first time OU has won the MAC or gone to the Big Dance since ’94, is how we did it. Avenging a loss to Kent State earlier in the tournament, followed by un-popping the collars of our hated rival Miami, and finally beating Buffalo for the third time this year to take home the title. With a tip in at the buzzer. In overtime. After being down 19 points in the second half. With two freshman starters who combined for 50 points. After being projected last in the MAC in the preseason by every single coach.

Listen to the Radio Call of the final seconds...

Watch the Post-game Celebration


The atmosphere @ Gund Arena was insane. There were buttloads of OU people all over, and after we won, the court was stormed faster than the buffet line at a Majerus family Christmas. I even stiff-armed an usher chick Heisman-style when she tried to get in my way.

After the game we went to the designated OU bar in Cleveland where I got an Ohio MILF to pay for my beer. Clutch.

Now the ‘Cats are off to Nashville to take on 4th seeded Florida, my #1 least favorite basketball team of all-time. I’ve got us going through to the Sweet 16. So should you, if you have any rocks in your sack.

To put the magnitude of this feat in perspective, here’s a scenario that I put together in my head. If, somehow, the New York Yankees (who I love more than most things in this world) made it to the NCAA tournament and got matched up against OU, I’d be rooting for the Bobcats. However, I understand that this makes no sense and the likelihood of this happening is at best four-to-one.

Here’s another one. Say, somehow the Bobcats played a teamfull of Kelly Kapowskis for the MAC title, and I could either have the Bobcats win or have sex with all the Kelly Kapowskis at the same time. I’d take the Bobcats win. I understand that this also makes no sense and maybe makes a case for my homosexuality.

The Top-5 Sports Moments of my Life (that I can remember):

1) Ohio Bobcats win MAC

2) 2003 ALCS, Game 7 “Aaron Boone”

3) 1996 World Series (first Yankee title of my life)

4) 1990 World Series (Reds sweep steroid-laced A’s)

5) 1999 NCAA Basketball Championship (UConn & Khalid El-Amin “shock the world”)

p.s. - This was the first time in a while that I couldn't spend the majority of my day watching hoops, so I blogged like a wild man. Check out all the new stuff.

Sports Blog - Breakdown of the Syracuse Regional
Tool of the Week - Jeremy Giambi
Word of the Day

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