January 25, 2005

Snoop Dogg is a Pimp

But you probably already knew that. Seriously, is he not one of the coolest guys ever? I can’t think of three cooler guys on the face of this planet not named Alec, Stephen, Billy, or Daniel Baldwin.

Everything Snoop touches turns to gold (and probably smells an awful lot like like mari-ju-ana). He is the only human that can pull off his Snooptalk too. Fo’ rizzle dizzle. See, I couldn’t do it, even in writing. Even when I have no idea what the man is saying, hearing him talk or bust phat rhymes still gives me a warm feeling inside. Although that may be from the six shots of Beam that I just did. Whatever.

I also submit that the man is a genius. He and Dr. Dre’s “Nothin’ but a G Thang,” is seriously one of the best ten songs of all-time in any genre. Screw it, one of the best five. And I'm not even that big of a rap guy. I identify with this song more than I ever will to Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.” Anyone who says they understand more than two consecutive words in that song is a damn liar. I don’t care if they’re on drugs or not, it makes no sense.

Here’s why Snoop kicks your (and every other badass MC’s) ASS, evidenced by the killer lyrics in the aforementioned "G Thang":

A) Snoop knows how to count to four:

“One, two, three and to the fo'.” (assuming fo’ means four)…

which is more than can be said for U2 in their epic crapfest “Vertigo”:

“One, Two, Three, Fourteen!” Idiots. Someone kill “the Edge” right now. Please.

2) Snoop lectures about not getting hoes pregnant:

“Now you know I ain't wit that shit, Lieutenant.

Ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it.”

A-MEN, Brother Snoop. Snoop-a-loop!

D) Snoop’s a better speller than those nerdy little kids that they show on ESPN every year:

“It's the capital S, oh yes, the fresh N - double O - P
D - O - double G - Y D - O - double G ya' see.”

If that Buddiga kid would have rapped his word instead of passing out last year, he probably would have won the thing instead of coming in second. Pussy.

There you have it. Scientific proof that Mr. Doggystyle rules hard. In case you don’t believe me or were too lazy to read any of the above information, check out the following links and see for yourselves.

Quick Facts – “Foot size: 10 in Converse All Stars, 11 in regular shoes and 12 in dress shoes.” Great piece of information. I think I can sleep now.

Snoop wants to coach in the NFL – he already coaches his 10 year-old son’s team, so he’s got experience. His son is named Spanky, how awesome is that? He’s also organizing “Snooperbowl,” to go along with the festivities in Jacksonville this year. Oh yeah, and he picked the Steelers vs. the Falcons for that game. Uh oh.

Snoop going to Africa – He’s going on a month-long trip to work on some music and to “find himself.” Oh yeah, and to bring back some serious dank-ass sticky ickey chronic.

Snoop Dogg’s Doggy Biscuitz – this is his new shoe deal with Pony. Why didn’t I think of this? By the way, Snoop still rules.

Reunion with Dr. Dre – Guaranteed to be amazing.

Snoop’s Book – It’s pretty old, but if someone will buy this book for me with not my money, I’d probably read it. Or at least look at the pictures.

I could probably go on for like 500 more links on how sweet the Doggfather is, but I’ll let you figure the rest out yourself. Now, if you excuse me, I gotta go drop it like it’s hot. Which reminds me… Snoop even made that tongue-clicky thing sound cool somehow. He’s incredible. Anyway, I'm out. So why don't you jus' chill, 'till the next episode.

All original material property of Robertcat, ©2004-2005. Don't steal my stuff or I'll annihilate your face.