If Dr. Seuss were still alive, he’d be 101 today. Today is also Jon Bon Jovi’s 43^rd birthday. As a tribute, I thought I’d try my best to write a Seuss-like story about Jersey’s own rock legend for today’s post. I was going to do some illustrations to go along with it, but then I realized that I can’t draw. I apologize in advance for the idiocy that is sure to follow.

In a small state named New Jersey there is a young man,
and he sings and he sings just as loud as he can.

Jon Bongiovi, his parents they named,
but he didn’t like it so quickly it changed.

He started a band with his friend Richie Sambora,
who would later go on to marry a whore-a (j/k Heather).

Their first single “Runaway” had some success,
especially the video with the chick in the dress.

They wanted to hit the big time so they thought and they thought,
“What can we do to make a whole lot?” (of money)

Well they thunk and they thought and they prodded and polled,
and they finally perfected the 80’s rocker mold.

They grew their locks out and they teased and they sprayed,
and you wouldn’t believe it but it got them laid.

‘86 was the year that Bon Jovi’d never forget,
for they released their megahit Slippery When Wet.

They played and they sung “Livin’on a Prayer,”
but what they really lived on was their headfull of hair.

“You Give Love a Bad Name,” they told all the girls,
they also dished out a few strands of pearls. (necklaces)

A self-professed cowboy, on a steel horse he rides,
Jon was wanted, WANTED, “Dead or Alive.”

Well they continued to make music for years and for years,
but they could no longer hear all the deafening cheers.

So back to the drawing board Jon went with strife,
“Richie, bust out the talkbox!” here comes “It’s My Life!”

Well you might think that since then their careers’ been a-flyin’,
until they got burned by Triumph from Conan O’Brien.

Well we’ve come to the end of this cute little story,
mostly because it’s time to watch Maury. (paternity tests)

So I bid you adieu and a great rest of the day,
I’m almost sure now that I’m totally gay. Shut up.

The End.

My Favorite Dr. Seuss Books:

The Cat in the Hat

Green Eggs and Ham

And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street

The Lorax

The Sneetches and Other Stories, specifically “Too Many Daves.”