I am officially transferring colleges. I’m sick of being restrained in my school choices by teams with mascots like bobcats, bulldogs, tigers, or even badgers. They are all lame. Especially Ohio State, who named themselves for a nut. Whoever comes up with these ideas should be lined up and simultaneously punched in the collective groin.

Some schools, however, seem to rise above these blasé choices and find one that is truly meaningful and unique. Such schools include the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, the Delta State Fighting Okra, the Wichita State Shockers (the college’s frontpage dons this motto: “Thinkers, Doers, Movers, and SHOCKERS” - absolutely classic).

There is one school that rises above even the Fighting Okra, and that school is Webster University in St. Louis, Missouri. With a mascot that only Napoleon Dynamite himself could have invented, Webster athletics are represented by the Gorlok, pretty much my favorite mascot of all time. Here’s an explanation:

“It is a mythical creature that was designed by Webster staff and students through a school contest. It is reported to have the paws of a speeding cheetah, horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of a dependable Saint Bernard. The myth of the Gorlok "embodies the highest standards of speed, agility, and stamina in an atmosphere of fairness and good conduct.”

My application has been sent. I’ll be attending classes and trying to capture the mythical beast next fall. Go Gorloks!

Watch the Gorlok in action! (I have no idea why this video is on the internet)

p.s. – Congrats to the latest tool of the week, Steven Tyler.

Clummer update: JC stepped up BIG in the Raiders' first playoff game. How about 2 interceptions, 1 forced fumble, and 14 tackles? Good thing I've already signed on as his agent, this man is going Pro Bowl for sure.