Alright, Ladies. I’ll admit that I have a lot to learn about the Order of the Double-X Chromosome. There’s some (a buttload) of stuff that I have yet to figure out about you in my 22+ years since I arrived on this planet from Mars (like how the TV has been around for over 100 years and you are still completely incapable of brandishing a remote control – CHANGE THE CHANNEL DURING COMMERCIALS BEFORE I SHOVE THE REMOTE (and something else) DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!).

However, of all the ridiculous things that you blame on your “special time of the month” (a phenomena which I don’t buy, by the way), the following action lands squarely at the top of the list.

“Severed Penis Retrieved from Toilet, Reattached”

That was the headline I awoke to this morning. Horrified, I actually checked my own pants to make sure that my ‘lil buddy was still there. Thank God.

The best part about the story is that after she tied the guy to the bed, sliced off his penis and flushed it down the toilet, she had the common courtesy to drive him to the hospital. What a sweetheart. The kind you take home to mamma – and then cut her up and bury her in the backyard.

Anyway, I know this isn’t the first instance of “extreme circumcision by completely psychotic and chemically imbalanced whore,” and the sad thing is that it probably won’t be the last. I just can’t figure out what can be going on in these girls’ heads when they think “You know what, I think I’ll just chop off his dick. That’ll teach him.” And people thought Van Gogh was nuts…

Riddle me this: Whatever happened to just sleeping with his best friend? I hear that’s still pretty effective.

I’ll give five dollars to anyone who can come up with a story of a man who cut off his wife’s breasts. I GUARANTEE that it’s never happened. Why? Because guys think shit through before they do them (sometimes). Maybe some have thought about it, but then they ultimately come to the realization that “If I cut them off, I won’t get to play with them anymore.”

This is what separates women from men. Men know what they want. No matter how mad they get, they know that there are few things in life that bring them joy – and boobs are one of them.

Alright, so the guy in this story was lucky enough to get his penis reattached. There’s no way it still works the way it used to. Plus, there’s always the off-chance that during a post-urination “shake,” it may just detach and fall right onto the urinal cake. Not cool.

In conclusion, Ladies: please don’t do this ever again. Thank you.

Word of the Day