In a word: WEAK. I haven’t subscribed to SI since high school, so I haven’t really seen the last few years’ swimsuit spectaculars, but my roommate got a free subscription this year so I was interested to see what kinds of boobies were partially-hidden under the latest in swim fashions.

Let me say that I was pretty much 100% disappointed. I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard of any of this year’s models, and I’m also pretty sure that I can only pronounce about half of their names. Where have the days of Tyra, Heidi, and Rebecca gone? Probably to the same place as my unfulfilled boner: the internet.

I can remember bringing my Tyra Banks issue to class in 8^th grade and honestly being scared that I’d get suspended for being caught with pornography. It’s a good thing my mom was my studyhall teacher. Anyway, that issue was hot. Maybe it’s because my testicles had finally descended or maybe it’s because it was before my family got the internet, but there were about three years of the SI Swimsuit Issue that that kept me sane through my lonely, awkward, afraid of talking to girls stage.

Okay so I’m still in the lonely, awkward, afraid of talking to girls stage, but at least now I have the internet. And alcohol.

I think my favorite part of perusing the pages of this year’s issue was stumbling across the ad for the upcoming sure-to-be summer blockbuster Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Seriously, I can’t wait. I laughed my ass off when I saw the first one. By myself.

Another great (pronounced: terrible) addition to this year’s issue is the “Model Trading Card.” They’re like the perforated cards that used to come in the Sports Illustrated for Kids issues, except with girls in bikinis. Who wants a scaled-down picture of a no-name model when the rest of the magazine is filled with two-page foldouts? I’ll trade you one Oluchi Onweagba for a .14 second google-search any day of the week.

The best part of the cards are the “did you know?” sections…

“Daniella Sarahyba’s (I told you I can’t pronounce these) ambitious goals include hosting her own television show, managing a public (pronounced: pubic) relations firm and having a large family.”

Daniella, I don’t know about the first two, but I’m sure I can help you out with the “large family” part. That is, if I didn’t waste all my good semen between the pages of the Tyra Banks issue. Call me.

All that being said, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t kill for one night with any one of these babes. Or to ever be seen in public with any one of them. Or to be in the background of a picture with any one of them. Or to be on a legal document entitled “restraining order” with any one of their names on it. Sue me.

2005 SI Swimsuit Issue --- SI Swimsuit Archive

Word of the Day