Well Ladies, I’ve been thinking about it. After some intense self-analysis consisting of no less than two grueling fifteen-minute sessions, I’ve determined that I’m smarter, funnier, more attractive, more charming and more “well endowed” than pretty much every other human on this planet. With that in mind, I’m not worried about you picking another human male over me.

That’s why I thought I would give you bodacious babes several reasons why you should date me instead of a Bear, just in case Yogi, Smokey, Paddington, Fozzie, Winnie or any of the Gummibears gives you a call in the near future. I know these guys have impeccable track records and come with tremendous references, but hear me out.

Reason #1 – I have opposable thumbs.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure that bears don’t have opposable thumbs, but even if they do – mine have got to be WAY better.

Reason #2 – I won’t dig through your garbage (unless it’s an emergency).

One time at school I had to dig through the trash because I thought I threw my retainer in there. Turned out, it was in my pocket the whole time. But I don’t wear a retainer anymore so we don’t have to worry about that ever happening again (hopefully).

Reason #3 – I shave my chest (and genitals) regularly.

Because no one likes hacking through Sherwood Forest to get to the Crown Jewels…

Reason #4 – I can run downhill.

This could come in very handy sometime. So far I haven’t had to test this skill out too often, but you never know.

Reason #5 – I function during the winter months.

Does playing videogames and eating Cheetos and Little Debbie snacks in my ‘jammies count?

Reason #6 – I can prevent forest fires.

I never understood that when I was little. Smokey the Bear was supposed to be the Park Ranger, but only I could prevent forest fires? What the hell was in his job description then?

Reason #7 – I would never be caught dead doing THIS.

Twenty years later, and I still die laughing every time I see it. Payton, the Fridge, and Jim McMahon “dancing” and “rapping” like they just stepped off the short bus to the “special school” - you can’t put a price on that. Actually you can. Amazon’s selling it for $10 – buy it for me.

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