Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I was going to write a big long post about the second-sexiest holiday of the year (with Arbor Day coming it at #1, OBVIOUSLY) but I’m too tired now so Ladies, just pretend I wrote a bunch of funny and charming things and then come perform various sexual acts on me.

Also, if you didn’t receive a personally-made, questionably legal, definitely homosexual valentine by e-mail from me today, hit me up. But only if you’re comfortable seeing me Skinemax-naked and maybe a little bit of my “penis cleavage.” You’ve been warned.

Earlier this month or maybe back in January, I posted a killer music mix for you to “get your groove on” to (in whatever way you best see fit – solo, pairs, groups, whatever), but I realized that I had a major omission. How I left off Firehouse’s classic “When I Look Into Your Eyes” is beyond me. Musical perfection was attained in 1992. I’m not sure why anyone is even trying anymore. But when I think about Puff Daddy or P Diddy or whatever, I realize that nobody IS trying anymore. Except Ashlee Simpson, she must be trying… to SUCK.

In honor of V-Day, here’s some of my own favorite and most successful pickup lines:

“Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I’d sure like to tap that ASS. And by “tap” I mean penetrate.”

I show the girls this wall in my bedroom, and then say “Have you ever seen the THIRD tower?”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put my penis and your vagina together.”

“Do you have a quarter? You better call the cops cause I’m about to rape you.”

“Hey. I think somebody just farted. Let’s get out of here.”

Girl – “Are you single?” Me – “Baby I’m a home run. But only because I use steroids, rendering my testicles pretty much useless. Wanna hump?”

“Didn’t I see you on the cover of Maxim? No wait, I think it was She-male Mistresses. That’s it!

Tool of the Week: Cupid

Word of the Day