February 11^th is the shared birthday of three of the most influential and important people in American history. That’s right - Thomas “Alva” Edison, Burt “The Real Bandit” Reynolds, and Jennifer “Recently On-The-Rebound and Possibly Vulnerable” Aniston are all celebrating birthdays today. So, in an effort to precisely determine which one has meant more to our society, I decided to go through a marathon of painstaking efforts to compare and contrast these three uber-celebrities in a winner-take-all (or most likely nothing) Battle of the Titans.

Firstly, I’ll give you a brief rundown of each contestant and then I’ll come up with something after that, which I haven’t yet given any thought to whatsoever. Let the games (retardedness) begin.

Thomas Edison – Scientist/Inventor/Aspiring Male Model

You may have heard of this guy. He invented the lightbulb, which turned out to be pretty useful. He was born in Ohio. Psychologists also think he had A.D.D., so I’ve already got two things in common w/ him right there (the birthplace and ADD part, not the lightbulb inventing). Edison also invented motion pictures, so you can personally thank him for today’s film geniuses Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

Burt Reynolds – Actor/Producer/Director/Moustache-Ride-Giver

Today is his 69^th birthday, which is noteworthy because everyone knows that 69 is the “Tuna & Tubesteak” anniversary. He’s been in exactly 5,345,672 films, obviously the best of which being Cop & a Half. He’s also playing Boss Hogg in the upcoming theatrical release of Dukes of Hazzard. He received The People’s Choice Award as "Favorite All Around Motion Picture Actor" for a record six consecutive years, a record that likely never will be broken, not even by America’s sweetheart Nicholas Cage.

Jennifer Aniston – Actress/Hottie/Boobie-Haver

She was born in ’69 so I guess that counts for something, including me being totally immature. Shut up. She is recently single and I hear she’s looking, at least that’s what she said in the 36 drunken voicemails she sent me last night. Someone needs to stop giving these celebrities my cell number – random calls from beautiful rich women tend to get annoying after like the first 3,000. Anyway, she was in Friends and was the only reason I could sit through more than five minutes of that show.

Alright. So… who wins? I have no idea where I’m going with this yet, give me a minute to think about it. On one hand, Jennifer Aniston is the hottest and I’ve pictured her naked the most (although Burt is dangerously close). On the other hand, Burt Reynolds was in Boogie Nights and has a moustache that most actors would kill for. You can’t teach that. Finally, Thomas Edison invented motion pictures, without which we never would have heard of the other two… He’s also from Ohio which hits a soft spot in my heart. Man, this is tough.

Alright, I just flipped my three-sided coin and the winner has been determined. And the winner of this contest that has no reward whatsoever and that will probably never be played again and that probably was a bad idea to even do in the first place IS - Drumroll……………………….. ME. I’m cooler than these three people put together, multiplied, squared and logarithm-d (I don’t know if you can even “d” a logarithm though). There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. It’s official. I RULE.

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