While surfing the web for nude pictures of Regis Philbin… I mean… Anna Kournikova, I came across a super-pointless, super-fun little webtool. With it, you can find out how compatible you are with all kinds of different celebrities. This is done by taking into account many factors, such as your birth date, your birth date, and your birth date. Pretty intricate. Check it out, you can look at your top matches and also browse for your favorite star.

Celebmatch.com – You know Lleyton Hewitt’s brand new fiancée? Didn’t think so, but her name is Rebecca Cartwright and she’s hot. She’s also 97% compatible w/ yours truly. I just sent her an email telling her about it, so we’ll see if anything pans out.

Obviously I looked up MY GIRL Tiffani Thiessen, and it turns out that she and I are 75% compatible. Not too shabby. I let her know about it by writing a message with lipstick on her bathroom mirror and then watching her sleep.

I also found out that I am 96% physically compatible with my high school sweetheart Cameron Diaz. I wonder if that bitchboy JT will ever realize that she’s been humping me on-the-side for the last five years.

Even though I was pumped (literally) about my new-found love for the above hotties, my elation (and erection) went through the roof when I found out that Derek Jeter and I are 100% compatible in the physical spectrum. Cha-ching!

Celebrity Battles – Here you can help decide who is hotter, funnier, and more evil - but the best part of it is the “who would win in a fight” battle…

Who would win in a fight? - I love the stats where they show the best and worst records of all-time. Of course, she-beast-man-woman-terminator Serena Williams has the top winning percentage, slightly above Andre the Giant at #2 and a few places ahead of God. Needless to say, Clay Aiken is dead last. Right below Dick Cheney. Talk about a couple of pussies...

The next fun thing to do is make your own church signs. Where can you do that? Well, churchsigngenerator.com of course. See if you can beat mine. If you do, send it to me and if I like it - I'll put it up.

Another fun/pathetic thing to do on the internet is to visit various name-generators and find out what your mathematician, prison bitch, and child molester names would be. The following are a few of my favorites:

Penis Name Generator – Probably more meaningful to the guys (and the aforementioned Serena Williams), but ladies - go ahead and give it a try. You can all now refer to my esteemed Johnson as “Albert Tatlock the Rock Hard TrouserSnake.”

What your name would be if it were an Emo Song – Mine: “Stab my Heart Because You're Bored.” The sad thing is, that’s probably an actual real song title. Emo sucks.

Fairy Name Generator – Type your name in on the left side of the page. Then start calling me “Fire Rainbowfilter.”

Mr. T Name Generator – Not going to spoil this one by telling you mine. Absolutely genius.

There are a few pornstar name generators out there, but they’re all pretty weak. Besides, everyone knows that to get your porn name you use your first pet’s name with the first street you lived on. “Buddy West Fourth” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, so I came up with one on my own – introducing: Robertcat “The A-FIST-ocrat.”

There you have it, enjoy. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta go to the bars and light up the “erotic photo hunt” machine. By the way, if any of you have really good computer hacking skills, make me an online version of this game so that I can just get drunk and play from the comfort of my own home. Oh yeah, and try to use pictures of actually attractive women, not the Shrek-ettes that they usually put on there. Thanks.

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