Welcome, MMV. Adios, 2k4. I hope your Christmas break went as swimmingly as mine, culminating with me missing the ball drop (the New Year’s ball, not my testicles - that happened in ’99) for the 45^th consecutive year. Nevertheless, in honor of the Modern Calendar’s latest release – The Year 2005 – I thought I’d come up with my top 2005 goals for the next 365 days (give or take). Since 2000 of them deal with girls, boobs, and girls’ boobs, I’ll spare you and just list the other five.

1) Stay the funk away from Taiwan

2) Join the Circumnavigators Club using various methods of transportation, including that crazy flying dog-thing from the Neverending Story

3) Get accepted and begin attending law school. Seriously.

4) Write and sell one or more of the following: musical album, autobiography, children’s book, sitcom, screenplay, romance novel.

5) Wear this at least 300 times

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go play with all my Christmas presents. Oh, and one more thing: Oprah, call me.