I don’t fancy myself a music connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think I can tell the difference between talent (Cat Stevens) and a fox trying to chew its leg off to escape from a trap (Ashlee Simpson). I also like to think I know how to spell Ashley correctly.

I usually can tolerate pretty much all kinds of music, regardless of the talent level used to create it or the demographic it’s actually designed for. My feeling is that as long as you enjoy it, fine – to each his own. But if you are the president of the Good Charlotte fan club, please don’t try to convince me that they’ve contributed anything at all to the greater good of music. Just listen to it quietly in your new Volkswagen while pretending to be filled with angst.

Regardless of my “whatever you like is fine with me” stance on music, somehow music has led me into some of the most heated non-sports debates of my life. Most of them involve me trying to antagonize musical elitists who think that they are the only ones in the whole world that know what good music is. Sticking up for O-Town fans is tough, but somebody’s got to do it (I think).

To end all of this ridiculous fighting, I’ve come up with an undebatable list of the top three music artists of all time. Arguing with me on this is like arguing with Kirstie Alley on the best buffet spots in Hollywood. If you disagree, it’s probably because you have an IQ equivalent to Corky from “Life Goes On.”

1) The Beatles – No real explanation needed here, but I’ll give it a shot. Maybe the three most genius musicians ever, in one band (I’m not sure about Ringo). Roughly 200 trillion albums sold, five billion #1 hits, and one bitchass Japanese chick that ruined everything. They accomplished more in eight years than any re-elected American president of all-time. Also influenced the naming of the Oneders from That Thing You Do, one of my favorite movies of all time.

2) The Beach Boys – Not quite as earth-shattering as the Beatles were, but they had their own thing, and they were great at it. There were a lot of imitators, but there were only one true (or five, depending on how you look at it) Beach Boys. (Not counting the guy who drowned or the other guys who came and went… never mind.) Not liking the Beach Boys is like not liking free lapdances from Carmen Electra, and for the ladies, whatever the male equivalent is… I don’t know, David Hasselhoff?

3) Nobody – I have thought about #3 for many long hours, and I can’t come up with one. No band in history is worthy of mentioning alongside these two giants. There have been tons of great artists, but none so influential and widely agreed-upon as the Beatles and the Beach Boys. They’ve withstood the test of time and usually you can’t go wrong picking songs from either when trying to please a large group. Milli Vanilli is close.

Honorable Mention: The Rolling Stones, Wesley Willis, Eric Clapton, Queen, Elton John, Andrew W.K., Michael Jackson, Bel Biv Devoe, , Jimmy Buffett, Dokken, Slo Mo, and 98 Degrees.