Today is the 117^th anniversary of the establishment of the first Penal Colony in Australia. I tried so hard not to make a joke about penal, but I couldn’t do it. So there it is. Laugh with me.

On January 18^th, 1788, England sent their first wave of convicted criminals to the island/continent which they would continue to do for the next 60 years. More than 50,000 of England’s finest were sent during that timeframe, setting the stage for such future genealogical disasters as Steve Irwin and AC/DC.

There were, however, at least a few good science experiments, resulting in eye candies like Nicole Kidman, Elle Macpherson, Olivia Newton-John (i guess), and Heath Ledger. Oh man did I just say Heath Ledger out loud? No, you typed it, retard, you can still delete it. Oh well, cat’s already out of the bag I guess. Frick.

Anyway, England had to send their convicts to Australia because the U.S. was no longer an option because we won the Revolutionary War, remember? Man that was sweet. They’re still responsible for most of Georgia, and for that I will never forgive them.

But get this: if the criminals acted up in Australia, they were sent to this other island where guards would play a game where they took three “inmates,” made them draw straws, killed the one that got the shortest one, and sent the other two back to Sydney. Once there, they would be sent to trial where one would play the role of the killer and the other would be the witness. Is that F’d up or what?

Australia also inspires a very plausible explanation for why a person’s baby might be missing: “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.” If you caught that reference, you are a champion of freedom and justice.

Kangaroos are funny. And feisty. And creepy. And dead.